commercials annoy me.

I just saw a Nivea commercial where this girl puts the lotion on her legs then goes out in a miniskirt to hang out with her boyfriend. Only problem? Her boyfriend is riding a motorcycle. But she just hops up on that thing. NO ONE DOES THAT IN A MINISKIRT!!!!

boy my night sucked.

Had nothing to do with the Yankee game though it didn't really help. Therefore, the highlight of my night is this:



I wish I could smack Andy Pettitte's ass whenever I wanted to.

you might be overreacting if

you say the Yankees are "doomed" because they chose Hughes.

Look, I wanted Joba too. This makes me doubt if the FO can develop SP at all or if they're just kind of throwing up their hands and giving up here (please put him in Scranton?). But they are not fucking "doomed" OMG. Hughes is not Sergio Mitre.

this is what I'm talking about that pissed me off all day

here. Well not this exactly, but the general sentiment.

I want Joba in the rotation too. I think it's silly not to put him there and points to the organization not really knowing what to do with these kids if they do put him there for 2010. But honestly, get over it, sweetie. It's this kind of shit that was making me outright depressed thinking of the idea of Hughes in the rotation for 2010. Thanks, places like this (as well as River Ave Blues, a generally terrific site that basically posted a "woe is us, we are doomed if Joba doesn't get the fifth spot" article today).

"Dark age," "dystopia"?!?! You sound like one of those Yankee fans who complain about how 2001-2008 (sometimes 2002-2008) were total failures and this person, as far as I can tell from her tumblr, would be embarrassed to be counted among that group. They averaged like 97 wins a year in that period. There were issues, but seriously, a fucking dark age? "Deep spiritual journey"? Get over your goddamn self.

Also? Sometimes pitching prospects, yes really hyped pitching prospects, just don't work out. I do think Joba and Hughes should be given every opportunity to succeed and bouncing Joba and Hughes around in the bullpen and rotation isn't going to do that, but believe it or not, our prospects aren't necessarily going to turn out better and/or dominate just because they're magical Yankee prospects and we really really really really want them to. Oh, and neither are the Rays' prospects.

Cry fuckin' more. I shouldn't read this before going to bed because it'll just piss me off and make me think that Hughes in the rotation is the end of the woooooorld ohhh nooooo

wtffff

A.J. Burnett will start on Sunday, with Phil Hughes pitching in relief. Joba Chamberlain will start on Monday, with Andy Pettitte pitching in a minor league game.

I'm never gonna see my boyfriend pitch this spring ;_;

things that suck

1. getting woken up at 7:30 AM by construction RIGHT OUTSIDE my apartment window
2. not being able to see the first Andy Day of 2010 ;_;

OH GOD I FOUND ANOTHER ONE

This is what happens when your boyfriend has to work at night back at home so you are up without someone to cuddle with on Valentine's Day

What's not to like about Philly?
I don't know, maybe you hate cheesesteak?

Fifteen reasons to root for the defending champion Phillies in the World Series

PHILADELPHIA -- Now that the Philadelphia Phillies have put the phinishing touches

AAAAAGHHHHH WHYYYY

on the Los Angeles Dodgers and Mr. Shower Loofah, Manny Ramirez,
So... am I the only one that didn't think this story was such a big friggin' deal? Nobody was freaking out when Burnett said he heard Yankee Stadium absolutely rock - when he was in the shower - during Game 2 of the ALDS.

it's time to turn our attention to the upcoming World Series.

Assuming the New York Yankees will do what the Phillies did -- win their league championship playoff in five games (six, tops) -- we're going to have a New Jersey Turnpike series.
Ol' Gene got lucky that this actually happened. But the entire basis of this article was the Phillies vs. the Yankees. What would have happened if the Angels won? Then this article would have looked incredibly stupid. Well, stupider.

No way are the Yankees going to need a barf bag against the other L.A. (sort of) team, the Angels. If they do, the Steinbrenners will send manager Joe Girardi to go live with Balloon Boy's parents.
lols topical humor or something. Also, Hal Steinbrenner =/= his insanely impulsive and trigger-happy, God bless him, father.

And any non-dumb Yankee fan knows the way the team has played against the Angels the past couple of years (hint: they look like crap against them, often, especially in Anaheim), plus they remembered, you know, that year when The Bad Thing happened. The Yankees had looked better in the ALCS for sure up to that point, but I wasn't going to declare victory in the series until we had four wins, thank you very much.

Anyway, the Yankees will be favored to win the World Series. They've been favored to win it all since Derek Jeter pulled into the team's spring training parking lot in Tampa about nine months ago.
No, they actually haven't been, because ESPN analysts like yourself were too busy drooling over the Red Sox signing Smoltz and Penny and blabbering on about how A-Rod could never deal with the pressure after the whole PED admission thing and talking about how he would suck if he came back. In fact, most experts, rather predictably, didn't even choose the Yankees to win the division; they picked the Sox instead. The Yankees probably should have been favored, but, well, you should have hopped on that bandwagon earlier, hmm?

The Yankees have the most expensive baseball ballpark. They have the priciest baseball roster. They have the biggest baseball expectations.
I started to write something here, but then I fell aslezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"The Yankees are hot,'' said Phillies manager Charlie Manuel.
With Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Andy Pettitte, Francisco Cervelli, Phil Hughes, Robinson Cano and his heartbreaking smile, and Mark Teixeira on their roster, this statement is definitely true. Heck, even sometimes Mo can look devastatingly handsome (and sometimes he looks, as SOSH might say, like a bat. I'd rather have a closer that looks like a bat than an anusmouth, though.). Even Johnny Damon was sort of adorable in a goofy way, and his arms were... well his arms were nice to look at. And I do believe I talked about how awesome Posada's ass was the other day. Oh God, I can't believe I wrote about that. ANYWAY!

And the Phillies? The Phillies have the 2008 World Series trophy. They'd like to add the 2009 World Series trophy to their collection.
But don't forget, they are the humble underdogs.

And all they have to do is beat a team with homefield advantage and at least three future Hall of Famers.
Pointing out the Yankees have homefield advantage = kind of important
Pointing out the Yankees have three future Hall of Famers = not that important
Guys like Jeter, Mo, and A-Rod are basically locks for the HoF because they've been playing so long at such high levels. If Ryan Howard and Chase Utley keep up what they're doing, they might be, too. Both teams are really talented. Just saying they're future Hall of Famers doesn't really mean anything at this point, though. Randy Johnson and Greg Maddux are both certain to be first-ballot Hall of Famers, but if I put the 2009 versions of them on the team instead of CC Sabathia and Andy Pettitte, well, that'd give the team five future Hall of Famers but, uh, it wouldn't make the team any better.

"Let me tell you,'' said Manuel, to the Citizens Bank Park sellout crowd after the Phillies 10-4 victory Wednesday night, "we got one more step and we gonna get it.''

I'm not rooting for the Phillies (I'll let John Kruk do the secret cheering), but I can see why you could. In fact, I can see why you should.
I'm not rooting for the Phillies. I'm just going to write an article about why you should root for the Phillies, while simultaneously writing an article about why you should not root for the other team.

Reason No. 1 -- Manuel
He talks like a hick from the sticks. He looks like a guy who repairs tractor axles for a living. But the Phillies don't have any problems translating that thick, western Virginia accent and those country boy sayings of his (Like this one about the impossibility of pitching perfection: "I've got an old saying: 'That Louisville will find you.''').

Huh? Oh -- Louisville, as in Louisville bat. Got it.
None of this is wrong. I really love Charlie Manuel. And all of this is perhaps the most correct thing Woj ever wrote. Though is Charlie saying a perfect game won't ever happen? I dunno, Charlie, there are a couple of (I always forget Javy was the opposing pitcher in that game, weird) 'em that I can remember quite vividly from my lifetime. Including one that happened earlier in the freakin' year!

Manuel wasn't immediately embraced in this city -- not that he cared.
SEE HE IS TOTALLY NOT LIKE GIRARDI WHO CARED BOOOO CARING

He grinded away, won last year's World Series while managing with a heavy heart (his mom had just died), and now has the best postseason record among active managers with at least 20 games of playoff experience. In the last two postseasons, he's a combined 18-5.
Uhhhh, that's a pretty freaking specific and small sample size you picked out to prove your point. Joe Girardi was 5-0 in his first five games in the playoffs as a manger. That's the best postseason record among managers with only five games of playoff experience! (Way to purposefully leave out the '07 sweep at the hands of the Rockies, too, Gene.)

"As I'm sitting here, I know we can win the World Series again,'' said Manuel. Dodgers manager Joe Torre congratulated Manuel in a stadium corridor not far from the Phillies clubhouse. Torre, who won four World Series with the Yankees, knows what Manuel has done.

"Getting to the World Series two years in a row is not easy to do,'' said Torre.
"What is easy," he continued, "is taking all the credit for the performance of very good players I happened to be given by the Yankees' GM and owner, and putting all the blame on these same excellent players, as well as the higher-ups, whenever I failed in any way. And then writing a book about it." (Boom, roasted!!!)

Reason No. 2 -- Pinstripe Overload
The Yankees have made a mind-numbing 48 postseason appearances. They've won 26 World Series titles and 39 pennants. They need another trophy like Mark Teixeira needs another vowel.
Okay, that Teixeira comment was actually pretty funny. But OH NO THE YANKEES WON FIVE TIMES IN A ROW IN THE 1940s AND 1950s!!!! THAT MEANS THEY SHOULDN'T WIN THIS YEAR!!!!!

Meanwhile, you can fit the Phillies' World Series hardware (two since 1883) into George Steinbrenner's Altoids tin.
Yeah, and one of those trophies came last year. When the Yankees didn't make the playoffs. Why are the Phillies underdogs again? They're really lucky they were playing the Yankees in the World Series in 2009, because that's the only way they would ever be viewed as an underdog while they were the defending champions.

Reason No. 3 -- The Philly Phanatic
The Yankees think God invented pinstripes. The Phanatic will lovingly and appropriately mock them.
I love the Philly Phanatic but uhhh... what? Also, how dare the Yankees be proud to be Yankees, probably the most storied franchise in any sport. You know, all those rings you just talked about, Gene?

Reason No. 4 -- Wallet Size
I actually just said "Oh noooooo" out loud.

If you want to root for a franchise that probably spent more money on its 1,400 video monitors at new Yankee Stadium than the Florida Marlins did on their entire payroll, then the Yankees are your team. Their $201-million-plus player payroll (and that's down from a season ago) once again leads the majors.
This shit again? I'm rooting for the Yankees because I was raised a Yankee fan. I've loved them since before I knew what "payroll" even meant. Oh, and the Marlins' owners are way more concerned with pocketing the luxury tax money they get from the Yankees for themselves than having a good team that fans will enjoy. The Yankees' owners want to put the best possible product on the field. HOW DARE THEY!!!!

The Phillies aren't exactly doing their roster on the cheap, but they're still spending about $88 million less than the Yankees.
I'm wondering if Gene wrote an article like this in 2008 about rooting for the Rays over the Phillies, or in 2007 about rooting for the Rockies over the Red Sox. I'm gonna guess not.

Reason No. 5 -- Girlfriend Sightings
Citizens Bank Park is a Kate Hudson-free venue.
A presumably straight male sportswriter doesn't like seeing a gorgeous woman on television while he watches baseball? Okay then.

Reason No. 6 -- Overdog vs. Underdog
Mariano Rivera blows a save as often as Roger Clemens tells the truth about his performance enhancer use.
Obligatory dig at a Yankee!!!

Rivera is the surest thing since sunrises.

The Phillies' Brad Lidge? The leading cause of gnawed fingernails.

Lidge blew more saves than any closer in the big leagues this year. He might have blown more saves than anybody in the Little Leagues this year.

For a while there, he was human lighter fluid.

Nothing against The Sandman, but I'm rooting for The Semi-Flawed One.
Of course you are.

Lidge has been through baseball reliever hell this season. Wouldn't it be amazing if Lidge, not the amazing Rivera, put the Yanks to sleep?
Uh, why would it be? Sure, he went through hell this season, but last season for Lidge was reliever heaven: perfect in save opportunities, a very impressive 48/48, including the playoffs, winning all sorts of "NL Reliever of the Year" awards, and, oh yeah, he got a ring to go along with all of that. Soooo many relief pitchers are dying to have just one year like Lidge's 2008. Try coming up with a metaphor for that that simultaneously demeans the Yankees in some way there, Gene!

Plus, it's not like Mariano is arrogant about his talent or unlikable in any way. You're spite-rooting against him/for the other guy just because he's a Yankee and he's really good at what he does and has been throughout his career. That is ridiculous and dumb. And what happens if the Angels had pulled the win out over the Yankees and it was Lidge vs. Fuentes? It would have been terribly fun, in a sort of schadenfreude-y way, to see Lidge vs. the Rally Monkey or Fuentes vs. the Citizens Bank Bandbox.

Also, if you talk to Yankee haters, because of Game 7 of the 2001 World Series and 2004 (his only bad postseason), you'll hear an endless litany of what a "choker" Mo is and how this means Papelbon/other assorted closers are better. I am serious.

Reason No. 7 -- City Envy
New York is The City That Never Sleeps.

Philadelphia is The City That Has An Inferiority Complex About The City That Never Sleeps.

New York and Philly are separated by a turnpike, about 100 miles and attitude. New Yorkers consider Philadelphia a really nice imitation of Cleveland -- and Philadelphians know it too. Nothing would give this city more pleasure than watching the Phillies slice and dice the Big Apple into baseball submission.
Well I'm sure this isn't going to bring up any sort of controversy at all. And having been to both cities, this New Yorker certainly doesn't consider Philadelphia and Cleveland to be anything alike. And finally, we should root for the Phillies so that Philadelphia can feel a whole bunch of schadenfreude toward New York? And hey Philadelphia (and let's face it, Boston), if you use a friggin' baseball series to make definitive statements about your city compared to ours, that's just pathetic. Yes, I'm aware New York tabloid newspapers were doing this to Philadelphia prior to the series, and that's pathetic too.

Reason No. 8 -- This One's For Harry
Beloved. Adored. Revered. Respected. Remembered. Every single day.

There's a reason why the Phillies keep Harry Kalas' sportcoat and a pair of his loafers in their dugout each game and wear a patch with his initials on their unis. The legendary play-by-play man, who died earlier this season, was, as our Jayson Stark so eloquently wrote at the time, "the soundtrack of Philadelphia Phillies baseball.''

If the Phillies beat the Yankees, Manuel ought to spray champagne on Harry's jacket. For old time's sake.
The 2001 New York Yankees did not win the World Series. In fact, they lost it in about the most heartbreaking way possible. Since then, I've really tired of this whole "x team will win it for _____" thing. Also, again, if the Phillies had played the Angels, there was the whole Nick Adenhart story. Kalas seemed like an amazing person who loved life, and he was a great broadcaster. But he was an old man who died of natural causes. Adenhart's death has to be viewed as more tragic. And the Yankees are doing it for The Boss, too, I suppose.

Reason No. 9 -- Watchability
The Phillies hit four home runs in Wednesday night's NLCS clincher against the Dodgers They've hit 14 homers during this postseason and outscored L.A., 35-16, in the NLCS. No team has scored more runs during these playoffs than Philly.

They hit 224 dingers during the regular season, trailing only the Yankees (244). The Yankees were first in the big leagues in RBIs, runs and total bases. The Phillies were first in the NL in all those categories. They're the closest thing to an AL lineup playing in the other league. Plus, they stole 119 bases.

"They kept coming at us,'' said Torre.

The Phillies' pitching will undergo serious strain against the Yankees' lineup, but …

"Right now, for the National League, we're outstanding and we can stay after you and we can put up a big number on you anytime during the game,'' said Manuel. "And that makes us a real good team.''

Think this Phillies-Yankees thing might be fun?
You should root for the Phillies because they're exciting because they hit a lot of home runs and score a lot. Even though the Yankees actually do those things more, you should totes root for the Phillies. Also, AAAGH THE YANKEES HADN'T WON THEIR SERIES YET!!!!

Reason No. 10 -- Two-peats
No team has won back-to-back World Series since … the Yankees. In fact, the Yanks went three-peat from 1998-1999-2000.
Wasn't that awesome? That was awesome.

And no National League team has gone back-to-back since the 1975-76 Cincinnati Reds.

Be nice to see someone new make a run at dynasty status.
Getting to two World Series in a row pretty much qualifies as "making a run" at a dynasty if that's your bare minimum qualification, I'd say. Also, WAAAH THE PHILLIES ARE RUINING BASEBALL!!! WHERE'S THE PARITY?!?!

Reason No. 11 -- Confessions
That Usher song was really overplayed. For obvious reasons, I don't mind it too much here though. Prettiness.......... anyway.

Admitted PED users on the Yankees: two. Admitted PED users on the Phillies: zero.
Do you see that ADMITTED word? Yeah? It's pretty freaking important. I'd bet good money there are (at least former) PED users on the Phillies, and more than two PED users on the Yankees. Also, players suspended for using banned substances during the 2009 season on the Phillies: one. And all these guys got constantly tested during the playoffs. Yeah, there are probably things that aren't detectible, but let's not pretend that, like, Jeter's gonna be sticking a needle in his ass before every game.

I had a whole rant written up here, but I realize it basically accused a player - who I like very much - of possibly using PEDs, which is incredibly unfair of me, so I took it down. (if you want to get the general gist of it, look at the career leaders in HR/PA.)

Reason No. 12 -- Start Spreading The News
The Yankees play Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York'' on the stadium P.A. system after a win.

The Phillies play Sinatra's "High Hopes'' -- sung by Kalas -- after a win. One is a self-back pat. The other seems more, well, genuine.
I'm not even gonna dignify this with a comment.

Reason No. 13 -- Ryan Howard
A-Rod is, at last, having a postseason to remember, not forget.
Obligatory A-Rod insult. Also, you know, his 2000 postseason was pretty awesome (and his 2004 very good, even with him struggling at the end of the ALCS). But it wasn't with the Yankees so I guess it doesn't count.

But Howard has RBIs and hits in eight of his first nine playoff games this October (he went 0-for-2 Wednesday evening with two walks and a run scored).
When this article was written, before Game 5 of the ALCS, A-Rod had a hit and at least one RBI in all of the postseason games he'd played in 2009. What's your point?

And Howard, who has led or shared the majors lead in regular season RBIs three of the last four seasons, does all of this in a quiet, understated way -- and usually against a huge defensive shift to the right side of the infield.
See, he is QUIET and UNDERSTATED. This is NOT another dig at A-Rod. Why would you think that??? (Also, the dude hits an assload of home runs. That's neither understated nor does it have anything to do with a defensive shift.)

Also, Ryan Howard's placing in the MVP voting since 2006: 1 (not undeserved, Pujols probably should have won though), 5, 2 (in a year when he had an .881 OPS as a 1B; that's good, but many others who appeared lower in the voting had better stats than that, including Chase Utley and his .915 OPS as a 2B and Hanley Ramirez, with a .940 OPS as a SS), 3. He also won Rookie of the Year in 2005. I love the Big Fella, but let's not pretend he's some ignored, underrated guy.

It wasn't much of a surprise, but Howard was named the NLCS MVP (.333, two home runs, eight RBIs).
A-Rod, not named ALCS MVP: .429, three home runs, six RBIs. And the only reason I think he didn't have more was because Scioscia made his pitchers simply stop pitching to him, which Torre never wised up to doing against Howard.

Reason No. 14 -- Home Address
New Yankee Stadium is drop-dead gorgeous. This is indisputable.
Thank you. It is.

But
Oh no.

you need to make A-Rod money to afford a seat in the place. It wasn't built for the people, but for the corporate suites.
I don't make A-Rod money. I am, in fact, unemployed. I went to five games last year.

Citizens Bank Park has the Liberty Bell, but not all the whistles. It is the anti-corporate park. Working stiffs with working stiffs paychecks can actually afford to go to a game. And unlike new Yankee Stadium, there aren't empty luxury couches behind home plate.
YANKEE STADIUM IS SOOOO QUIET AND EMPTY. NOBODY'S THERE TO SEE THE GAME!!!! Yes, please characterize all Yankee fans as snobs and all Philly fans as blue-collar, working-class people. It's just awesome of you, Gene.
I don't argue that way too many of those luxury seats were empty or filled with people that were more interested in ordering sushi and checking their Blackberries than watching the game. I'm just saying, that's not the only type of fan who goes to the frigging ballpark.

Reason No. 15 -- City of Love?
It's hard not to like these Phillies. I'm not saying the Yankees aren't likeable. They are, in sort of a regal way. After all, they're the Yankees.
I'm not saying the Yankees aren't likeable. I'm just writing an entire article about how the Yankees aren't likeable. Oh, and yeah, I know it was after this article was written, but remind me, what team was constantly talking about, among other things, how they'd figured out the other team's closer and how the starting pitchers on the other team weren't anything special? So likeable!

And did you miss when the Yankees started smashing pies in each others' faces after walk-off wins (not that they invented that) and had silly kangaroo courts with Mo in a judges' wig? They were getting criticized for not being regal enough.

But Philadelphia is crazy about this team -- and that doesn't happen very often. Remember, this city's sports motto is brutally consistent: "Philadelphia. We Hate Everybody.''

But not these Phillies. The city bear hugs them. If the most cyncial sports fans on the planet are heads over cleats about these guys, then they must be worth the effort.
That's because they're really good right now. When they're not winning, almost nobody in Philadelphia gives a shit about them, and they go care about the Eagles or the Flyers of the 76ers instead. I went to school so close to Philly that I could basically spit on the city; trust me on this. All teams have frontrunning fans, and I KNOW it looks bad that I started writing extensively about baseball when the Yankees got truly awesome again, but the Phillies have more than their share of frontrunning fans.

Said Phillies reliever Ryan Madson: "I think we're just ordinary guys that just do extraordinary things.''
Are the Phillies the new Red Sox? Please tell me the Phillies are not the new Red Sox. I like the Phillies. I don't want to have to spite-root against them because the media calls them "scrappy," "blue collar," and "gritty," or whatever else.

Now we find out if they can do those things against the extraordinary Yankees.
Or, you know, THE ANGELS, WHO HADN'T BEEN ELIMINATED YET.

In conclusion, Gene's reasons why you should root for the Phillies:
1. They have a funny manager who has been good in two postseasons when he got his team to the World Series.
2. The Yankees won a lot in the past.*
3. ... I can't even make sense of this one.*
4. The Yankees spend a lot of money.*
5. Kate Hudson goes to Yankee games.*
6. Mariano Rivera is good at what he does. This season, Brad Lidge is not.*
7. Philadelphia and New York have a weird relationship and if the Phillies win, Philly will get to feel superior.*
8. An old guy asssociated with the Phillies died.
9. The Phillies hit a lot of home runs and score a lot of runs. The Yankees hit more home runs and score more runs, but you should still cheer for the Phillies.
10. The Phillies might repeat.
11. Nobody on the Phillies has admitted to using PEDs; the Yankees are dirty.*
12. The song the Yankees play after their games is not as "genuine" as the one the Phillies play.*
13. The Phillies have a good player on their team. So do the Yankees but, you know, whatevs.
14. Yankee Stadium is for rich people only. Citizen's Bank Park has working-class people that attend games.*
15. The Yankees are not as likeable as the Phillies, as proven by the fact that Philadelphia supposedly loves the Phillies.*

* The Phillies were not guaranteed to play the Yankees at the point when Gene wrote this article. So basically, if the Angels had played the Phillies, two-thirds of this list wouldn't have been valid. An article about something supposedly totally different that turns into outright Yankee hating/bashing/mocking by ESPN, why I have never heard of something so shocking.

Dumb-dumb article #2

Here, in case you forgot.

Short rest leads to Burnett's short start
Girardi's pitching plan opening opportunity for Phillies to make a miracle comeback

Hold on, let me correct that for you, as anyone that's been watching the Yankees/baseball with any sort of interest knows: Short rest Burnett having a bad Burnett outing leads to Burnett's short start

PHILADELPHIA -- The chance to win a World Series-clinching Game 5 for the New York Yankees is meant for someone with XXL nerves. A.J. Burnett, who lasted all of six outs in Monday night's meltdown, was a size "small."

It turns out the moment was too much -- way too much -- for the Yankees' No. 2 starter.
Yup, just stick that bullshit "choker" label on AJ Burnett. Not like he pitched totally awesome in Game 2 of the Series, which, while not an ACTUAL must-win, was kind of close to one.

Also, if it was supposedly his nerves that caused him to suck, then really, wouldn't it not have mattered if he pitched on normal, short, or 5035829804968 days' rest?

This is why the Philadelphia Phillies, 8-6 winners on a chilled November night, have more than a pulse in this Series; they have an opportunity to pull off a baseball miracle.
Hmmm. May I remind you that these are some excerpts from what you wrote after Game 4, Gene?:
New York is turning a potential classic into a ho-hum romp toward a 27th title

For the sake of a Series predicted to be an actual Fall Classic, it would be nice if the Phillies could somehow push this to a seventh game. But, sigh, I'm not holding my breath.

WAAAAH THE YANKEES ARE GONNA WIN! Also, were you paying attention? The games were really pretty good. There was a pitchers' duel for the first two games, and with these two teams, that's pretty crazy. Even though it was for the team I was rooting against, watching Cliff Lee utterly dominate was kind of awesome. The third game had the Yankees coming back from a 3-0 hole and, of all people, the PITCHER from the AMERICAN LEAGUE TEAM tying the game. The fourth game was just insane. Did you miss the guy stealing two bases on one play?!?!?!

Also, since you made such a big fucking deal about Yankee fans wanting to get on A-Rod's ass after Game 2 because of his past bad performances, may I remind you that the Yankees did something quite a bit worse than blowing a 3-1 series lead a few years ago? I think most Yankee fans recognized that this team was really damn good and probably should win the World Series, but I also think all but the cockiest and dumbest Yankee fans were waiting to pop the champagne until the twenty-seventh out was made in the fourth Yankee win of the series, recognizing that the Phillies were a really darn good team, too, and with the ghost of the Year of Great Evil in the back of their minds.

And Burnett?

"I had no hope tonight," he said.
Well that's at least right.

The Phillies played their last game of the year in Citizens Bank Park, but they haven't played their last game of the postseason. Instead, they tossed Burnett into the garbage disposal, flipped the switch and ground him up for six runs in two-plus innings.

"I had a chance to do something special tonight and I failed and I let a lot of guys in here down and I let a city down," said Burnett, who, to his credit, stood in front of his locker and answered every question.
Holy crap, how did I not know Burnett said that he let the city down?! Now I just feel sorry for the guy.

So back to New York we go for at least one more game and, who knows, maybe a deciding seventh. And wouldn't that be something.
I guess. You know who would be pitching in that seventh game for the Phillies? Maybe Cole Hamels, who had awful luck and a below-average year in 2009, sucked through the playoffs, and said he wanted the season to be over after his Game 3 start. Maybe J.A. Happ, who hadn't started since the NLDS and who had fared poorly there. Maybe Cliff Lee on two days' rest, after a game where he gave up five runs in seven innings when the bottom of the opposing order consisted of Brett Gardner, Jose Molina, and a pitcher.

But first things first, such as asking the same question we asked days before Burnett took the mound for Game 5 and before Andy Pettitte was all but guaranteed the Game 6 start: What is Yankees manager Joe Girardi thinking?
He's thinking that he only has three starters that should be starting in this World Series. He's right.

Girardi started Burnett on three days' rest. He got away with it when CC Sabathia pitched well in Game 4, but the decision exploded in the Yankees' face when Burnett gave it a short-rest go. Burnett isn't Sabathia.
You're right. One's a black guy, one is white. CC is from California; AJ is from Arkansas. I could go on for a while.

In fact, he was barely Burnett in Monday night's no-show.
Here's where you're totally missing it, Gene (can I call you Gene? Cool.). Burnett was absolutely Burnett in Game 5. If you've been watching Yankees baseball for any amount of time, you know it is totally like him to make you drool with a brilliant performance where he's damn near untouchable, and then follow it up with a game where he walks 42 guys and gives up 38 home runs. That's just what he does. And no, it doesn't matter who's behind the plate.

"I just couldn't get the ball where I wanted to," said Burnett, whose fastball spent too much time over the chunky part of the plate and whose curveball arrived with a "Hit Me" invitation attached.

Both Girardi and Burnett insisted the short rest wasn't the reason for Burnett's struggles.

"No, I don't think there was any correlation," Girardi said.

"I felt strong, I felt great," Burnett said. "I just didn't get it done, man."
Yeah. They're right. What's your point?

Burnett does have a history of huge performance swings,
DING DING DING! DING DING DING DING DING, GODDAMN IT! You should have started to write this article, realized this, and stopped writing this article.

but don't the odds for something forgettable increase on fewer days' rest?
No. Well, I should revise that: If you're being run absolutely ragged like CC last year by the Brewers when you've already pitched like 250 innings that year, it might. But one or two short rest starts in the World Fucking Series? No.

And is it a good thing when you begin the biggest start of your career by giving up a liner to Jimmy Rollins on a 1-2 pitch? Then follow it up by nearly breaking every small bone in Shane Victorino's right hand? Then throwing a first-pitch dinger to home run machine Chase Utley? Then walking Ryan Howard, who entered the game with a sub-Mendoza Line batting average?

I'll answer that one: no.
Again, if you've seen a bad AJ start, you would know these all happen in them, minus ~the dramatics~. But no, they are not particularly good things. I don't think anyone would say they were.

Also, Ryan Howard is a very dangerous hitter. I know he had like fifteen bazillion strikeouts in the World Series, and it definitely wasn't a good series for him, but he had a higher OPS there than Mark Teixeira and one only three points lower than Jorge Posada. He did better than Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino. Just because he'd been struggling didn't mean he wasn't going to absolutely crush a bad pitch or whatever, especially off a righty, who he hits much better than lefties (like, you know, Andy Pettitte and CC Sabathia, starters of the last two games).

Anyway, it was 3-0 Phillies before Burnett even recorded an out.
Actually, it was 3-1 Phillies, but sure, why bother to get those dumb things called "facts" right?

Burnett eventually got out of the first inning and survived a two-out walk to Rollins in the second inning, then boarded the Disaster Express in the third.

Walk to Utley … walk to Howard … RBI single by Jayson Werth … RBI single by Raul Ibanez … walk of shame to Yankees dugout. Girardi had seen enough and mercifully ended Burnett's night after a 53-pitch (only 28 for strikes), 4-hit, 4-walk, 6-run, 2-strikeout, 1-hit-by-pitch outing.

"When you don't throw strikes, that's what the outcome is going to be," Burnett said.
Again, this is all Bad AJ shit. I mean, this was a REALLY BAD AJ start, but he hit two guys and walked five or six in that one-run performance against the Twins (granted, it was in more innings).

There was always a danger this could happen. Pitching on three days' rest is a dicey thing,
Goddamn it. Not if it's ONE TIME. Not even if it's TWO TIMES.

and Girardi knew it. The numbers said Burnett could handle it (he was 3-0 with a 1.64 ERA on short rest),
Oh look! Numbers, facts, stats!!!!!!! Those numbers are pretty awesome. They're also a pretty small sample size, like so small it basically doesn't count other than to say sure, he could handle it and wouldn't totally blow up Al-Leiter-in-Game-6-of-the-1999-NLCS-style.

but they didn't say anything about combining three days' rest with the pressures of a World Series Game 5 on the road.
Yessss I love talking about intangibles.

You could tell Burnett might be in trouble as early as Sunday night, when he admitted he couldn't treat his Game 5 appearance as another start. You had to admire his honesty, but it was a verbal red flag.

"I try not to think about it too much, but you can't help not to," he said after Monday night's game.
He did seem nervy. But hell, he kept talking about his Game 2 start and he was fantastic there. Again, this was all a case of AJ bein' AJ. And, again, if he was really totally nervous about the start, it wouldn't have mattered if he was on full rest!

Burnett won Game 2, pitching spectacularly (7 innings, 1 run, 9 strikeouts, 2 walks). But that was at Yankee Stadium. And it wasn't on three days' rest or with the opportunity to close out the Series or against Phillies ace Cliff Lee.
What does the opposing pitcher have anything to do with it? And if it did, fine, sure, he wasn't going up against Cliff Lee in Game 2. He was only going up against Pedro Martinez in New York while being down 0-1 in the Series. Pedro 2009 is obviously not the ridiculous peak Pedro of 2000 or so, but he was pitching well and more importantly, if you're speaking about the pressures of facing the opposing pitcher, don't you think that if any Yankee pitcher lost to Pedro, they would have been absolutely torn apart by the press?

Lee gave up five runs over seven-plus innings and 112 pitches -- and that was on full rest. If anything, it shows how difficult it is to face high-powered lineups on fewer days of rest.
No, it showed that Cliff Lee wasn't nearly as sharp in Game 5 as he was in Game 1; that would have been impossible. He's a very good pitcher, but did you think he would have kept up that 0.52 or whatever it was prior to that game postseason ERA forever? Here are the Yankee hitters and their slash lines against Cliffy:
Jeter .407/.467/.519/.985 (30 PA)
Teixeira .391/.462/.696/1.157 (26 PA)
Swisher .333/.458/.444/.903 (24 PA)
Damon .091/.130/.091/.221 (23 PA)
Posada .283/.273/.667/.939 (22 PA)*
A-Rod .333/.450/.733/1.183 (20 PA)
Cano .222/.263/.222/.485 (19 PA)
Matsui .294/.368/.412/.780 (19 PA)
Melky .273/.333/.545/.879 (12 PA)
So as you see, most of them hit him pretty well, save Damon (who, hmmmm, Fox was the only one they talked about with regard to past performance against Lee. Funnily enough, without looking it up, I think Johnny was actually one of the few with a hit against Cliff in Game 1) and Cano. Heck, even Molina had a .909 OPS against the guy, albeit in 11 at-bats. Gardner was .800 in 6 at-bats. I'm not sure how many of these numbers were compiled in 2007 or earlier, when the awesome Cliff Lee we see today and saw in 2008 didn't exist, but these are generally very good numbers, albeit in a SSS.

Girardi hasn't made an official announcement about his Game 6 starter, but he's using all the same managerspeak he used before naming Burnett. In other words, he's going to start 37-year-old Pettitte on three days' rest against a fully rested Pedro Martinez. This is the same Pettitte who admitted after his Game 3 start that he had struggled.
Agh. For one thing, here are the days between starts for Pedro when he was with the Phillies: 5, 4, 4, 5, 4, 4, 5, 10. His last start of the season was on September 30 (and in his last two starts of the season, he threw a combined seven innings), and the next time he pitched was October 16. The next time after that, October 29. So he wasn't on a schedule of regular rest pretty much the entire season and especially the postseason. I think he complained about something hurting him at some point, too, and, IMO, he's way too proud - and managers are way too respectful of him - to go to the bullpen, even at this point in his career. He was frail back when he was one of the awesomest pitchers to ever live; he might still know how to pitch, but he's not that guy any more. And Pettitte said he had nothing because of the rain delay - not that what he said necessarily means anything, he could have been just making that up, and we'll never know how he would have pitched without the rain delay.

"You know, if Andy feels good, he's going to go on Wednesday," Girardi said late Monday night. "This is something we talked about all throughout. We check with our guys. If he feels good, he's going."

Girardi tried to step on the Phillies' throat with Burnett rather than, say, Chad Gaudin.
How is this the wrong move? It's the World Series. You don't throw games. If something gives you a much higher probability to win, you go with that something. In general, AJ Burnett, while not the most reliable pitcher in the world, gives you a much better probability to win a game than Chad Gaudin.

He hoped he could get the Game 2 Burnett. Instead, he got the Burnett who couldn't throw strikes.
Don't you think that if Girardi knew how to get the Burnett that showed up in Game 2, he would have done whatever possible to get him?! And vice-versa, if Girardi knew Burnett was going to utterly implode, don't you think he would have tried to avoid that?

Now he's going to bypass Gaudin again. It isn't a surprise -- Gaudin, who didn't lose any of his six Yankees starts this season (he was 2-0), was phased out of the rotation weeks ago.

"The interesting thing is Chad hasn't thrown much in the last month, and that's a difficult spot to put him in," Girardi said.
Gaudin hadn't started a game since September 28. That was over a month before the World Series. I am quite sure, based on general impression and things the players and pitchers themselves said, that Girardi let the pitchers know he was going with a three-man rotation, and that some of the guys would have to have a start or two on short rest if they were lucky enough to get to the World Series. CC, AJ, and Andy were all well-rested throughout the last through weeks of the regular season. It's not like he was springing this on them.

Also, rather unsurprisingly, Gene's stats are pretty much out of context, as one of Gaudin's wins came in relief, and here are his starts with the Yankees.
8/19 vs. Oakland: 4.1 IP, 0 ER, 5 K, 5 BB
He got pulled with the bases loaded and one out in this game, when the Yankees had a 3-0 lead; Aceves came in and got a DP.
9/3 vs. Toronto: 3.2 IP, 3 ER, 2 K, 3 BB
9/8 vs. Tampa Bay: 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 K, 2 BB
9/16 vs. Toronto: 5.2 IP, 3 ER, 2 K, 1 BB
9/22 vs. Anaheim: 4.2 IP, 2 ER, 3 K, 2 BB
9/28 vs. Kansas City: 6.2 IP, 2 ER, 5 K, 2 BB
The only start I would get excited about in there was the one against Tampa Bay (and just for interesting facts' sake, he also had a really good start against Texas in interleague when he was still with the Padres - 8 IP, 0 R/ER, 1 H, 9 K, 2 BB - and a horrible start against Anaheim - 3 IP, 8 R/ER, 10 H, 1 K, 0 BB, 2 HR. He had both an okay and a very good start against Seattle. Oh, and Texas pretty much destroyed him in a relief appearance during the infamous and extremely frustrating Game Where Swisher Bunted. [I was at the next game and listening to people still complaining about that game was pretty hilarious. Though we all got over it when the Yankees won said game I was at.] So, who knows. Oh, and one other thing I found while digging through Gaudin's stats, this game was sort of hilarious. The Diamondbacks blew a 6-0 lead, including when they were still leading 6-1 going into the bottom of the ninth? Oh, and the thing that tied the game was a three-run home run by David Eckstein?!?!?! But, I digress.). Maybe the Kansas City one, but, I mean, it's the Royals. I was happy with how he did for the Yankees - I thought he was going to out-and-out suck - but the Yankees offense was good enough that he could get away with things like those two starts against Toronto. The Yankee bullpen also had guys that could provide solid innings if he left after, say, less than five innings, when Girardi pulled him before he could get into real trouble. If he was still with the Padres when those happened? Eh.

More importantly, though,
Righties vs. Gaudin: .249/.318/.409/.728, 325 K, 116 BB (2.80 K/BB)
Lefties vs. Gaudin: .293/.389/.433/.822, 140 K, 167 BB (0.84 K/BB)
Putting this guy in Citizens' Bank Park to face the Phillies' lefty-power-hitting-heavy lineup, when he hadn't started in over a month, and had only thrown one very low-leverage inning (the bottom of the ninth in that 10-1 blowout in Anaheim) since the playoffs started, would not have been the greatest of ideas.

It's no more difficult than the spot Girardi put an overhyped and under-rested Burnett in.
Who the hell overhypes AJ Burnett? And AJ Burnett was plenty well-rested toward the end of the season and during the agonizingly long playoffs. One short rest start is not going to make the wheels come off.

It's no more difficult than the spot he'll put an under-rested Pettitte in.
It's only because he feared my wrath that he didn't add the "overhyped" thing with Andy.

Just so you know, Pettitte is 5-7 with a 4.18 ERA in 18 career short-rest starts.

If we have these stats, so does Girardi. Yet he's willing to risk the World Series on it.
AJ's (and presumably CC's) great career numbers on short rest = don't count
Pettitte's not-great career numbers on short rest = OF DIRE IMPORTANCE!!!!

Also, Andy Pettitte in the playoffs on three days' rest: 3-1, 2.88 ERA. LOOK I CAN THROW AROUND STATS OUT OF CONTEXT TOO!!!! (For clarification, obviously those numbers are great. They're also a tiny, tiny sample size, and the most recent of those starts was in 2003. Also - dammit, why do I get so distracted by random stats?! - in the first four games he started of the 1996 postseason, Pettitte gave up seven home runs. Poor baby.)

And well, Gene, if you ever did anything good, you gave me an excuse to watch this video again to see that stat. Mmmm, thank you for that. Just FYI, I got distracted for like twenty minutes watching that. So. Freaking. Hot. Um, anyway.

No team has recovered from a 3-1 Series deficit since 1985, when the Kansas City Royals beat the St. Louis Cardinals. It couldn't happen again, could it?
Of course it could happen again. It's rare, but I'll bet it happens sometime again. Heck, some day some team will probably come back from an 0-3 series hole again, too.

If it does, the Phillies' miracle comeback would be completed on the number everyone is talking about.

Three days.
ZOMG you are teh clever. Also, I know you wanted to paint the Phillies as some cute underdogs, Gene, but it wouldn't really be a "miracle."

How long until baseball and America's Next Top Model start up again so I can stop spending time on this crap?!


* How is his BA better than his OBP? Posada can't even do stats right!!!

Gene Wojciechowski is not very good at this baseball thing.

Like most people who are really into baseball, I adore Fire Joe Morgan. Heck, I wish I had come up with it, simply so that there could have been a few more pro-Jeter articles and less "Jason Varitek is awesome!", heh. Anyway, though I will never be nearly as good as Fire Joe Morgan, I will attempt to do so with two articles by non-baseball writer extraordinaire, Gene Wojciechowski. The two articles are here and here. I decided to get some background info on Mr. W., so I went to Wikipedia, where I found:

Gene Wojciechowski is a sports columnist, best known for his work with ESPN.

Born in Salina, Kansas, he became a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine in January 1998, having worked as a football reporter for the network since 1992. He was named senior national sports columnist for ESPN in June 2005. He also has worked at the Los Angeles Times, Dallas Morning News, and Denver Post. Wojciechowski graduated from the University of Tennessee, and he began his career as a sports writer covering college football and college basketball.

Do you notice something about that information? Yeah. It's that he didn't cover baseball. I'm gonna guess there's a reason for that, namely that he sucked at it. Anyway, let's start with the A-Rod article.

A-Rod Whiffing in First Series Opportunity
Yankees are in big trouble unless Rodriguez can recover from his 0-for-8, 6 K start

NEW YORK -- A-Rod to K-Rod?

Do you know there's like, an actual player nicknamed K-Rod? Because this confused me for a while when I was reading it the first time around.

That will be the knee-jerk reaction to Alex Rodriguez's World Series plunge into Oh-fer Land. And for once, the knee has a point.
No, no it doesn't. Because it was two darn good pitching performances, and it's TWO GAMES.

Scalding hot in the two previous rounds of this postseason, Rodriguez is now colder than those $10 draft beers they're selling at the Yankee Stadium concession stands. His numbers are boo-grade material: Eight at-bats. Zero hits. Six strikeouts.
Yeah, let's boo A-Rod after he pretty much single-handedly carried us through the first two rounds.

"It's eight at-bats," Rodriguez said. "I'm not concerned at all."
Guess who's being right and logical about this? If you guessed Woj, you're... wrong.

Rodriguez's New York Yankees overcame his non-production in Thursday night's 3-1 win in Game 2 against the Philadelphia Phillies, but how long can they survive with A-Rod flailing away at the plate? Answer: They can't.
I dunno, they got pretty far with some guys doing almost nothing, including the guy who actually led the AL in HR and RBI.

The Yankees salvaged a split at home, but not because of anything Rodriguez did. Yes, it's been only eight at-bats -- eight mostly gruesome at-bats.

Rodriguez has hit exactly one ball out of the infield -- a routine fly out to left. He has more K's in the World Series than he did in his previous 32 playoff at-bats against the Minnesota Twins and Los Angeles Angels this October (five).
He wasn't flailing away at shit like he was in 2006. Cliff Lee was really friggin' on; pretty much no one had good at-bats against him. Pedro was mostly on, and A-Rod at least had some pretty good at-bats against him. And at this point, who had good numbers on the Yankees?

So there's no other way to say it: He's been Nick Swisher-like since the Series began, nearly useless with that black Louisville Slugger in his gloved hands. Swisher and his .114 postseason got benched for Game 2 (about time)
Yeah, let's bench superior offensive players for inferior offensive players based on numbers from five years ago. And by Nick Swisher-like, do you mean unfairly attacked because of A LOW BATTING AVERAGE O NOS while getting on base a ton and hitting with quite a bit of pop? Because, at this point in the Series, A-Rod wasn't even doing that.

but Rodriguez stays in the lineup because (A) he's A-Rod and (B) the Yankees wouldn't be in the World Series without his combined 14 hits, .438 average, five home runs, 12 RBIs and 10 runs in the American League Division Series and AL Championship Series.
It's a little bit more nuanced than "he's A-Rod." But let's bench one of the best hitters in baseball because he had two shitty games against two excellent pitching performances. Ramiro Pena would have hit a home run off of Lee, I just know it!!!!!

"He got us here," said Jerry Hairston Jr., who replaced Swisher in Thursday night's lineup.

That's nice.
You're right, it is. Oh shit, you were being sarcastic.

But unless Rodriguez remembers how to hit, the Yankees aren't going to win their first World Series since 2000. The same offense that led the big leagues in home runs and runs has scored four times in two games against the Phillies. Keep that up and they can DVR the Phillies' victory parade next week.
And yet they still won one game. I guess the Yankees' victory over the Braves from 1996 doesn't count because the Braves actually outhit and outscored the Yankees. And again, it's not like the Yankee hitters were going crazy and A-Rod was sucking. If A-Rod had constantly been coming up with RISP and striking out, well, that might have made me a little more pissed off. But the two Phillies' pitchers' performances, up to this point, had been so good that the only way the Yankees scored were:
a. an error on a DP ball.
b. two solo HRs, one of which was off a pitch basically in the dirt.
c. Charlie Manuel being dumb and sending Pedro out for an inning too many.

There was no way Rodriguez could sustain a .438 average and the kind of power numbers he was putting up in the ALDS and ALCS. And the way Phillies starter Cliff Lee pitched in Game 1, A-Rod was just part of the conga line of Yankees batters who could do zilch.
Reason!!! Logic!!!!

But Thursday evening's game was against 38-year-old Pedro Martinez. Speed guns don't even bother measuring his fastball anymore. Plus, Martinez was battling flu-like symptoms.

Martinez struck A-Rod out twice. Reliever Ryan Madson struck him out once.
Mentioning his age and the fact that he's got a not-great fastball means pretty much nothing. Pedro might not be throwing however fast he threw when he was with the Sox, but the guy knows how to pitch. Did you see what he did against the Dodgers? Did you actually watch him pitch against the Yankees? He was really good. And are you going to mention that Jeter struck out three times, too?

A night earlier, Lee struck him out three times. Four times this season, Rodriguez has had three-strikeout games. Three of those K-fests have come against the Phillies, once in the regular season.

"The fact that I'm oh-for-the-Series and we're 1-1 and the guys picked me up today makes me feel really good about going into Game 3," he said.
Oh look, A-Rod making sense.

That's the Smiley Face perspective, and it makes a lot of sense.
You're right, it does. I don't know why you're being so cynical about it.

But the ultracritical, ultranervous Yankees fan perspective flashes back to A-Rod's postseason no-shows in 2006 and 2007. Rodriguez "hit" .071 with zero homers and nary an RBI in the playoff elimination to Detroit, and .267 with one home run and one RBI in the elimination to Cleveland.
A-Rod had a terrible Detroit series, batting .071 with a .205 OPS (YIKES). He was terrible, but he wasn't alone. Cano had a .267 OPS. Sheffield, .167. But what really killed the Yankees in the 2006 postseason was the pitching. Detroit's ERA for that series was 3.60. The Yankees', 5.56.

The Cleveland series was not A-Rod's fault AT ALL. He batted .267, sure. Melky batted .188. Jeter, .176. Matsui, .182. Posada, who was as insanely hot as A-Rod that season, .133. Once again, though, it was the pitching that doomed the Yankees. Cleveland's ERA was 3.41. The Yankees, 5.89. Wang, the Yankees' ace, had two starts, where he gave them only 5.2 innings, giving up 14 R, 12 ER, in those innings, for a hideous 19.06 ERA. His WHIP was over three and he walked more guys than he struck out. No, this doesn't mean Wang is a choker. It means he had a really bad two games.

A-Rod was awesome in the 2009 ALDS. He carried the team offensively, for sure, along with Jeets. But Jeter had a 1.467 OPS and Posada, 1.348 in the Detroit series. If AJ Burnett and Andy Pettitte imploded like Randy Johnson and Jaret Wright in 2006 or Wang in 2007 did in their starts, the Yankees wouldn't have won the series.

This October was different because A-Rod's bat said it was different. He was 5-for-11 against the Twins, 9-for-21 against the Angels. He was unstoppable. Now he has trouble putting a ball in play.
Psht he was not unstoppable. If he was TRULY unstoppable, he would have been 11-for-11 and 21-for-21!!!! Anything less than perfection with A-Rod is NOT OKAY!!!!

"I think they're being careful," said Rodriguez of the Phillies' pitching strategy toward him. "But overall I'm just glad that I got picked up today by the boys in front of me and behind me. … I'm going to be fine."

Mark Teixeira, who hits in front of A-Rod in the 3-spot, tied the score in the fourth inning with a 414-foot homer. Hideki Matsui, who bats fifth, put the Yankees ahead in the sixth with a 9-iron home run swing to right field. Rodriguez played the role of dugout cheerleader.
Oh look, A-Rod's right again. Also, oh no, he was a "dugout cheerleader," that's so... awful? I mean, when those things were happening, AJ Burnett and Mariano Rivera were in the dugout cheering, and they were probably the most responsible for the Yankees winning that game.

The Yankees got a shutdown performance from starter A.J. Burnett. Given the situation (the possibility of a 2-0 Series deficit), Burnett's seven-inning, four-hit, nine-strikeout performance was his best outing of the season. Throw in Teixeira's and Matsui's clutch dingers and Mariano Rivera's two-inning save, and the Yankees head to Philly with a must-have split.

"Now we've got a five-game Series," Rodriguez said.

He hopes. As good as the Yankees' lineup is, it revolves around A-Rod, their cleanup hitter.
What do you mean "he hopes"? They're not gonna be like "well A-Rod hasn't had a hit yet, therefore we're actually giving Game 2 to the Phillies." And the Yankee lineup is so ridiculous, it could generally survive a funk by A-Rod for a couple of games. Which, oh yeah, that's all this turned out to be.

In the 2009 regular season, Rodriguez put up huge numbers after three-strikeout games -- a combined 8-for-10 with five RBIs. But in his first-ever World Series, Rodriguez has followed one three-strikeout performance with another three-strikeout night.

"It's two games," Hairston said of A-Rod's struggles. "It really is. … The next two games, he could go 8-for-10. That's how good he is."
A-Rod in the two games after this: 2-for-6, .333/.600/1.000/1.600, 1 HR, 1 2B, 3 RBI. I'd say all of those RBIs were pretty "clutch" too; one basically woke the Yankees up when Hamels had been cruising, and one was the game-winner in a tie game in the top of the ninth. Obviously these are all small sample sizes, but do they meet your oh-so-lofty standards, Gene?

Right now, we've seen how bad he is. It is a familiar theme, a theme Rodriguez tried to distance himself from as he stepped in front of his locker after the game. I asked him about his Game 1 and 2 difficulties. He ignored the question.
Oh, THAT'S why you're writing this article - A-Rod ignored your rude-ass question so you got all annoyed and decided to smear him. I get it. Plus, he's a Yankee. Booooo, Yankees!!!!!

"Just a great win overall," he said. "Just a great win. Great team effort. Guys swing the bats in front of me and behind me. Story of the day is A.J. Burnett."
This is a totally meh answer, but if Jeter said something this bland, would anyone give a shit and try to psychoanalyze it?

Burnett might have been the story of Thursday night, but Rodriguez's inability to get a hit -- a squibber through the hole, a bloop, a seeing-eye something … anything -- is fast becoming the story of this Series. Not only is a world championship at stake here but also a personal legacy.
No, it was part of the story of the first two games. That's because the biggest part of the story of the first two games was the excellent pitching.

"Everything right now is magnified," A-Rod said.

He was talking about Teixeira and the importance of that fourth-inning home run. But with each lost at-bat, Rodriguez's failures receive greater inspection.

Hit, or else. It's that simple.
You're right. So, are you gonna write an article about how A-Rod is godly based on his Game 3-6 performance? No? How utterly unsurprising.



This post is long, so I'll cover the next one in a separate one.

The Worst Article Ever.

Guys. I found it. This shit needs to be mocked desperately, so... I'll do it. Wooo.

For the record, the entire basis of the article is absolutely awful and pretty clearly why everyone hates Yankee fans. It's basically "let's get all the best players in sports!" Also, really awesome players would be really awesome on the Yankees, news at 11.

Now, on to the awfulness.

10. Prince Fielder

Putting Fielder and his massive home run swing in Yankee Stadium would be like allowing LeBron James to play on a nine-foot hoop. Fielder’s blasts over the right-field fence would be more than massive, they would be laboratory experiments.

You can never have enough metaphors, I guess (also the first one makes no sense to me, since I know nothing about basketball other than that Michael Jordan was really good, and LeBron James and Kobe Bryant are really good).

The images are too powerful to ignore;

What images?

with Fielder headed for free agency this winter, coming off a modest, two-year, $18 million deal, he’s clearly looking at a pay-off worthy of his stature.

Ha ha he is fat.

Who better than the Steinbrenner family to finance that new revenue stream?

This sentence doesn't really make sense, if you think about it. And, I dunno, maybe a team that needs a 1B because they don't have one wrapped up for six or seven years? (For the record, if Prince Fielder came to the Yankees, I would absolutely weep in happiness. I love him. Come be our DH, Prince!!!!)

Fielder, whose father played in the Bronx from 1996-97, has the Yankee blood lines,

Cecil Fielder was the balls but he's not a TRUE YANKEE LEGEND (tm) (c) like, I dunno, Scott Brosius. Also, Cecil and Prince Fielder are estranged, so I don't know if Prince wants to do what his dad did. At any rate, Prince also has the "blood lines" of the Blue Jays, Tigers, Indians, and Angels. Oh, and some team in freaking Japan. Therefore, Prince Fielder should go to Japan. I feel like that's a sitcom in the making.

he has the swagger

Remember when the Yankees were "boring" and "corporate" before they started kicking ass and taking names again, 2009-style?

and, goodness, he has the home run gene. At the age of 25, Fielder has already hit 160 HRs, which makes him larger than life, if not slightly larger than his uniform.

Ha ha he is still fat.

9. Tim Lincecum

Negotiations between the Giants and their ace are going poorly; it’s a near certainty that Lincecum will end up across the table from his bosses at an arbitration hearing.

Chances are he'll prevail, walk away with the $13 million he’s asking for and all will be forgotten. Right? Not so fast. The arguments during arbitration often create hard feelings. Sometimes they last. Lincecum might not be so fond of the Giants for failing to offer what (he thinks) was a fair raise after his second consecutive Cy Young Award.

So maybe Lincecum will go year to year with the Giants until free agency in 2013. Maybe he’ll think about the biggest paycheck of all that’ll be waiting for him — where else? — in New York. The Yankees would gladly welcome Lincecum as a successor to A.J. Burnett, who’ll be nearing the end of his contract. This is a longshot, but not altogether impossible.

Pathetic as it is, this is probably the best write-up Klapisch has here. But again, it's shocking to imagine that the Yankees would want the Cy Young winner of the past two years. Shocking.

8. Albert Pujols

AHAHAHHAHAHHAAHHA

Before we go any further, let us assure panicked (and understandably outraged) Cardinals fans that Pujols isn’t going anywhere. The chances of him leaving the Cardinals are negligible.

But …

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU????

He’s in his walk year, and the Cardinals have just plunked down $120 million for Matt Holliday. In all likelihood, they wrote this massive check to convince Pujols they’re serious about winning. Then again, the Cardinals might’ve been safe-guarding themselves against the possibility that Pujols decides he’s worth more than GM John Mozeliak can pay.

Yeah, um, no. It's not like Pujols said he'd happily take a hometown discount or anything. Yeah, I know players lie about that kind of stuff all the time. I, however, choose not to fuck with El Hombre. I'll take him at his word until he proves otherwise.

If Pujols wants Alex Rodriguez-like money — and everyone knows he’s worth it and then some — the Yankees would be his best option. No one in the Bombers’ front office is counting on this as a realistic outcome, but as the old New York Lottery slogan used to say, “hey, you never know.”

I hope you get lynched by some Cardinals fans. (Except they're all way too nice to do that. I know it's a cliche that Cardinals fans are THE BEST IN BASEBALL but they really are. But they'd still be upset if teh Pooholes left. Understandably so.)

7. Joe Mauer

Another pipe dream here, because baseball really needs Mauer and the Twins to stay married for a long, long time. His hypothetical defection to the Yankees would be enough to hand a generation of fans over to MMA, or the WWE, or bowling. It would start an insurgency that Bud Selig could never quell.

Whoah. Calm down. Okay, sure, Twins fans would be upset. You know who would be really fucking happy? YANKEE FANS! And there are a lot of us! If any Yankee fans start complaining about how getting Mauer would be "unfair" for baseball, well, um, they should not talk again, ever, because we spent like a mrazillion dollars to get CC, Tex, and AJ and we have the largest payroll by far. No, money doesn't guarantee championships, but to wet yourself over the 2008-2009 offseason then get all demure when the possibility of Mauer on the Yankees comes up is just dumb.

That said, it's just not happening. For some reason, I can see Mauer leaving Minnesota more than I can see Pujols leaving St. Louis. But I think there's like a 1-2% chance Pujols leaves the Cards, and a 5% chance Mauer leaves the Twins. Not. Happening.

But similar to the Pujols scenario, it’s impossible to completely extinguish the Yankee pipe dream as long as Mauer remains unsigned beyond 2010. They’ve got the money, the need (as Posada transitions toward DH status) and the near-guarantee of putting Mauer in the postseason every year.

One place where the Yankees have a shitton of prospects is at the catcher position. Jesus Montero's minor league power numbers are ridiculous, and scouts have compared him to Manny Ramirez and Miguel Cabrera. He's not a very good defensive catcher, but a. he's only 19, b. neither was Posada, c. definitely neither was Piazza.

And can you imagine what the game’s best hitting catcher would do in home run-friendly Yankee Stadium? It’s enough to make a Yankee dreamer perspire in anticipation

STOP IT YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME IMAGINE HIM ON THE YANKEES AND THEN IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AND I'M GOING TO BE UPSET

and enough to make a Twins fans wake up in a cold sweat, thankful that Mauer isn’t leaving the Twin Cities anytime soon.

So ... why the fuck did you write this? Also, "a Twins fans," ha ha.

6. Dustin Pedroia

Pedroia > Pujols, Mauer, Lincecum, apparently

Yes, we know the Yankees have the more talented second baseman in Robinson Cano. The Bronx incumbent is smooth, super-cool and has a hitting DNA to die for. But Pedroia plays harder and has a greater emotional investment in the day-to-day outcome of his team. In other words, he cares more than Cano.

This paragraph. This was the paragraph that made me go from "this is a bad and dumb article" to "HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWFUL!" That's... well... let's give Klapisch the benefit of the doubt and just say it's very, very racially insensitive. The good-looking Dominican guy on the Yankees does not care about his team as much as the short, weird-looking white guy with a gritbeard on the Red Sox.

In an alternate reality, Pedroia’s intensity would blend perfectly in a tapestry created by Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and Jorge Posada. It was no surprise that Pedroia and Jeter got along so well as teammates during the World Baseball Classic; they run on the same type of engine.

Yay I love talking about intangibles, nothing makes me want to tear my hair out more. AAARGH. (Though I do think it's adorable that Jeets and Pedroia get along so well, and Pedroia is one of the Red Sox that, for whatever reason, I actually don't mind.)

It’s true Pedroia swings like he’s auditioning for the Home Run Derby, but his contact ratio is astounding: 93 percent over the course of his career.

Uhhhh what does this have to do with anything?

5. John Lackey

While we’re on the topic of sleeping with the enemy, don’t let the Yankees fool you — they were sorely tempted to take a run at John Lackey before he ended up in Boston.

The Yankees wanted the best available free agents, news at 11.

The right-hander has the make-up and the postseason experience to have been a perfect fit in Pinstripes. The Yankees ultimately devoted their resources toward Granderson and Javier Vazquez; for public consumption they say they were concerned about the long-term durability of Lackey’s arm.

Again: yay, intangible talk. Woooo. I'm not going to lie, I really would have liked Lackey on the Yankees, but we do already have a pitcher who is in his 30s and has been injury-prone throughout his career in AJ Burnett. I understand the front office not wanting two of those guys.

But in a big game or big series, we’d put our money on Lackey before Vazquez.

Oh hey. Clutch talk. That's almost as awesome as talking about intangibles. And this very good write-up says hello.

The Mets were crazy not to pursue Lackey in earnest

They're the Omar Minaya Mets, were you expecting them to do anything that made sense at all?

and although the Yankees’ rotation is strong enough to live without Lackey,

LIVE? I'm glad you feel that way.

lining him up behind Josh Beckett and Jon Lester gives the Sox the best front-line rotation in the American League.

It's a very good rotation to be sure, but o hai.

4. Carl Crawford

Another lay-up for the architects of the 2011 Yankee roster. Making room for Crawford is one reason the Yankees were so obviously lukewarm in their pursuit of Johnny Damon; they’re ready to give left field to the younger, more athletic Crawford, who, like Lee, will be a free agent after this season.

Between Crawford and Curtis Granderson, the Yankees’ outfield would be remarkably fleet and would make fans forget about the era of the unsteady Damon and the lumbering Hideki Matsui.

It’s all part of the Yankees’ wish to field a more athletic team in this decade. Crawford certainly fits that profile, having already stolen 50 or more bases five times while hitting .300 four of the last five seasons.

Black guys = athletic. This isn't terrible other than raving about batting average (but how many RBIs did he have, Bob?!), and I wouldn't mind Carl on the Yankees, but I hope they don't overpay him.

3. Cliff Lee

The Phillies had their chance to sign Lee to a long-term contract this winter, but trading him to the Mariners officially started the clock on his free agency. And guess who’s counting the days until Lee files: the Yankees, who covet the left-hander for a million reasons.

NAME THEM ALL. I DEMAND IT.

They love Lee’s 4-0 record and 1.56 ERA in last year’s postseason, including his two wins over the Yankees in the World Series.

I am not trying to degrade what Cliff Lee did during the 2009 postseason, because it was all kinds of awesome. But Andy Pettitte went 4-0 too, and one of Cliff Lee's wins against the Yankees in the World Series was during the game where he gave up five runs in seven innings when the bottom third of the Yankee lineup was Brett Gardner, Jose Molina, and the pitcher.

Lee has proved he’s October-tough, is American League-tested

What is he, a Toyota?

and will be awarding himself to the highest bidder in a few months.

Errr, maybe he's a prostitute? And, well, how do you know that? I can't speak personally to Cliff Lee because I've never met him, but he seems like a pretty down-to-earth guy. Maybe he wants to be near his family; he seemed pretty upset when Philly shipped him out to Seattle. Maybe he's not just seeking the highest bidder, but a team that will give him a pretty payday, though not necessarily the highest, while letting him go where he wants to go.

The heavy breathing you hear is coming directly from GM Brian Cashman’s office.

GROSS

2. Carlos Beltran

Oh what up, is it 2005 again?

The Mets center fielder has never been entirely comfortable in Flushing, and the relationship with ownership has further deteriorated in a recent public relations war over the surgery on his right knee.

It's the Mets. None of this is surprising. Though, honestly, how do you know he's uncomfortable in Flushing? He's put up some damn fine numbers there, even if dumb Mets fans hate him irrationally for striking out looking on an incredibly nasty pitch to end the 2006 NLCS. And honestly, this is a team that accused a beat writer of getting a batshit crazy guy in charge of the minors (or whatever he was) fired in order to get that job, so really, a PR war over knee surgery, not so bad.

Beltran says the Mets green-lighted the operation, which will keep him on the DL until June; the front office says Beltran went rogue and did it on his own. The slugger is probably thinking life would’ve been simpler if the Yankees had pursued him as a free agent in 2006.

Baseball hindsight is awesome. I am going to go back in time and make Mariano Rivera not accidentally throw a cutter to second base in the bottom of the ninth inning of Game 7 of the 2001 World Series (that hurt to write :( ). Also, I'll force Theo Epstein to pay David Ortiz like a billion dollars because he was going to turn from a scrub into A WORLD SERIES HERO ZOMG.

Beltran would’ve taken less than $119 million he ultimately got from the Mets, and the Yankees would’ve had the perfect successor to Bernie Williams.

Please don't remind me. :( (I really wanted Beltran.)

Instead, George Steinbrenner preferred Randy Johnson, which everyone now realizes was the wrong horse to pick.

Again, baseball hindsight is awesome. And honestly... the mid-2000s Yankees needed pitching a whole lot more than they needed hitting, and Randy Johnson was really good in 2005. In the 2000s, off the top of my head, it's probably one of the five best starting pitching seasons by a Yankee. That's kind of sad, but whatever. He was still really good.

1. Johnny Damon

Johnny Damon?

Johnny Damon.

Johnny Damon. Really? Johnny Damon?? On a list that has Joe Mauer and Albert Pujols, among many others, you think the best guy the Yankees could possibly acquire out of this group is 36-year-old Johnny Damon? I really like JD and all but COME ON.

This is a sentimental pick,

OMG I wouldn't have ever guessed

because the Yankees and Damon have obviously moved in opposite directions. Both sides should’ve thought more carefully about that break-up.

*sniff* Also, the Yankees offered him more money than any other team did. What the hell else were they supposed to do?

Damon and agent Scott Boras badly misread the market for a 36-year-old left fielder with declining defensive skills. That the Yankees didn’t offer Damon arbitration should’ve been a wake-up call that last year’s $13 million contract wasn't going to be duplicated. Hunting for similar money guaranteed the end of his Yankee career.

Awesome. So you're gonna stop here, right?

But the Bombers needed to be more aware of what Damon did for the clubhouse; how he helped change the climate around Alex Rodriguez.

Oh nooooooo. Look, for the record, I think Johnny was probably a great clubhouse guy. I also think that you could have a team full of great clubhouse guys and if they're not as good at baseball as some other guys that aren't as great at being clubhouse guys, that's not very good. Also, according to The Yankee Years, during the 2007 season, a bunch of Yankees came to Torre in tears about how having Damon on the team was hurting them, because they thought he a. wasn't in shape and b. wasn't trying. To be honest, I don't know how truthful The Yankee Years was about the clubhouse, because it clearly went out of its way to attack certain players - oh, I'm sorry, I meant tell unbelievably unflattering stories about these guys, then claim the stories "humanize" them - and lionize others, but it's in there.

And, as he proved in the postseason, Damon could be counted on under duress.

I know, it was totally awesome when he single-handedly led them to winning the World Series in 2006, 2007, and 2008. Damon was pretty awesome in the ALCS and World Series, but he had a gross .237 OPS in the LDS in 2009. And his grand slam in the 2004 ALCS hides the fact that he had a .559 OPS against the Yankees in that series - equivalent to Willy Taveras' in 2009 - and it was .265 (OPS, not BA) prior to his two-HR Game 7. Teixeira had a better OPS than .559 in the 2009 World Series, and he had three hits in 27 plate appearances.

He was pretty much the only guy to show up for the series against Cleveland in 2007, though.

That might not have been worth $13 million a year or even $10 million, but the fact that a compromise wasn’t reached was a failure that Damon and the Yankees will ultimately regret.

You can see the future? That's freaking awesome. What are the lottery numbers I should play?

Also, Yankee team WAR:
Derek Jeter 7.4
CC Sabathia 6.0
Mark Teixeira 5.1*
Alex Rodriguez 4.4* (in a limited number of games)
Robinson Cano 4.4*
Jorge Posada 4.0
Nick Swisher 3.5
Andy Pettitte 3.3
AJ Burnett 3.1
Mariano Rivera 2.0 **
Johnny Damon 3.0
That crappy Brett Gardner? 2.1. Curtis Granderson last year? 3.4 (in the years before, it was 3.7, an awesome 7.3, and 3.9).

Johnny Damon was a good guy and he did well in his time with the Yankees. I wish him well when he plays anyone but the Yankees. But the idea that the one guy the team NEEDS is him is just silly.

* and this considering WAR overrates defense and UZR did not like these guys this year, when I wouldn't say any of them is a bad defender
** This is an impressive number as a relief pitcher.

Bob Klapisch, you suck.