Guys. I found it. This shit needs to be mocked desperately, so... I'll do it. Wooo.
For the record, the entire basis of the article is absolutely awful and pretty clearly why everyone hates Yankee fans. It's basically "let's get all the best players in sports!" Also, really awesome players would be really awesome on the Yankees, news at 11.
Now, on to the awfulness.
10. Prince Fielder
Putting Fielder and his massive home run swing in Yankee Stadium would be like allowing LeBron James to play on a nine-foot hoop. Fielder’s blasts over the right-field fence would be more than massive, they would be laboratory experiments.
You can never have enough metaphors, I guess (also the first one makes no sense to me, since I know nothing about basketball other than that Michael Jordan was really good, and LeBron James and Kobe Bryant are really good).
The images are too powerful to ignore;
What images?
with Fielder headed for free agency this winter, coming off a modest, two-year, $18 million deal, he’s clearly looking at a pay-off worthy of his stature.
Ha ha he is fat.
Who better than the Steinbrenner family to finance that new revenue stream?
This sentence doesn't really make sense, if you think about it. And, I dunno, maybe a team that needs a 1B because they don't have one wrapped up for six or seven years? (For the record, if Prince Fielder came to the Yankees, I would absolutely weep in happiness. I love him. Come be our DH, Prince!!!!)
Fielder, whose father played in the Bronx from 1996-97, has the Yankee blood lines,
Cecil Fielder was the balls but he's not a TRUE YANKEE LEGEND (tm) (c) like, I dunno, Scott Brosius. Also, Cecil and Prince Fielder are estranged, so I don't know if Prince wants to do what his dad did. At any rate, Prince also has the "blood lines" of the Blue Jays, Tigers, Indians, and Angels. Oh, and some team in freaking Japan. Therefore, Prince Fielder should go to Japan. I feel like that's a sitcom in the making.
he has the swagger
Remember when the Yankees were "boring" and "corporate" before they started kicking ass and taking names again, 2009-style?
and, goodness, he has the home run gene. At the age of 25, Fielder has already hit 160 HRs, which makes him larger than life, if not slightly larger than his uniform.
Ha ha he is still fat.
9. Tim Lincecum
Negotiations between the Giants and their ace are going poorly; it’s a near certainty that Lincecum will end up across the table from his bosses at an arbitration hearing.
Chances are he'll prevail, walk away with the $13 million he’s asking for and all will be forgotten. Right? Not so fast. The arguments during arbitration often create hard feelings. Sometimes they last. Lincecum might not be so fond of the Giants for failing to offer what (he thinks) was a fair raise after his second consecutive Cy Young Award.
So maybe Lincecum will go year to year with the Giants until free agency in 2013. Maybe he’ll think about the biggest paycheck of all that’ll be waiting for him — where else? — in New York. The Yankees would gladly welcome Lincecum as a successor to A.J. Burnett, who’ll be nearing the end of his contract. This is a longshot, but not altogether impossible.
Pathetic as it is, this is probably the best write-up Klapisch has here. But again, it's shocking to imagine that the Yankees would want the Cy Young winner of the past two years. Shocking.
8. Albert Pujols
AHAHAHHAHAHHAAHHA
Before we go any further, let us assure panicked (and understandably outraged) Cardinals fans that Pujols isn’t going anywhere. The chances of him leaving the Cardinals are negligible.
But …
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU????
He’s in his walk year, and the Cardinals have just plunked down $120 million for Matt Holliday. In all likelihood, they wrote this massive check to convince Pujols they’re serious about winning. Then again, the Cardinals might’ve been safe-guarding themselves against the possibility that Pujols decides he’s worth more than GM John Mozeliak can pay.
Yeah, um, no. It's not like Pujols said he'd happily take a hometown discount or anything. Yeah, I know players lie about that kind of stuff all the time. I, however, choose not to fuck with El Hombre. I'll take him at his word until he proves otherwise.
If Pujols wants Alex Rodriguez-like money — and everyone knows he’s worth it and then some — the Yankees would be his best option. No one in the Bombers’ front office is counting on this as a realistic outcome, but as the old New York Lottery slogan used to say, “hey, you never know.”
I hope you get lynched by some Cardinals fans. (Except they're all way too nice to do that. I know it's a cliche that Cardinals fans are THE BEST IN BASEBALL but they really are. But they'd still be upset if teh Pooholes left. Understandably so.)
7. Joe Mauer
Another pipe dream here, because baseball really needs Mauer and the Twins to stay married for a long, long time. His hypothetical defection to the Yankees would be enough to hand a generation of fans over to MMA, or the WWE, or bowling. It would start an insurgency that Bud Selig could never quell.
Whoah. Calm down. Okay, sure, Twins fans would be upset. You know who would be really fucking happy? YANKEE FANS! And there are a lot of us! If any Yankee fans start complaining about how getting Mauer would be "unfair" for baseball, well, um, they should not talk again, ever, because we spent like a mrazillion dollars to get CC, Tex, and AJ and we have the largest payroll by far. No, money doesn't guarantee championships, but to wet yourself over the 2008-2009 offseason then get all demure when the possibility of Mauer on the Yankees comes up is just dumb.
That said, it's just not happening. For some reason, I can see Mauer leaving Minnesota more than I can see Pujols leaving St. Louis. But I think there's like a 1-2% chance Pujols leaves the Cards, and a 5% chance Mauer leaves the Twins. Not. Happening.
But similar to the Pujols scenario, it’s impossible to completely extinguish the Yankee pipe dream as long as Mauer remains unsigned beyond 2010. They’ve got the money, the need (as Posada transitions toward DH status) and the near-guarantee of putting Mauer in the postseason every year.
One place where the Yankees have a shitton of prospects is at the catcher position. Jesus Montero's minor league power numbers are ridiculous, and scouts have compared him to Manny Ramirez and Miguel Cabrera. He's not a very good defensive catcher, but a. he's only 19, b. neither was Posada, c. definitely neither was Piazza.
And can you imagine what the game’s best hitting catcher would do in home run-friendly Yankee Stadium? It’s enough to make a Yankee dreamer perspire in anticipation
STOP IT YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME IMAGINE HIM ON THE YANKEES AND THEN IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AND I'M GOING TO BE UPSET
and enough to make a Twins fans wake up in a cold sweat, thankful that Mauer isn’t leaving the Twin Cities anytime soon.
So ... why the fuck did you write this? Also, "a Twins fans," ha ha.
6. Dustin Pedroia
Pedroia > Pujols, Mauer, Lincecum, apparently
Yes, we know the Yankees have the more talented second baseman in Robinson Cano. The Bronx incumbent is smooth, super-cool and has a hitting DNA to die for. But Pedroia plays harder and has a greater emotional investment in the day-to-day outcome of his team. In other words, he cares more than Cano.
This paragraph. This was the paragraph that made me go from "this is a bad and dumb article" to "HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWFUL!" That's... well... let's give Klapisch the benefit of the doubt and just say it's very, very racially insensitive. The good-looking Dominican guy on the Yankees does not care about his team as much as the short, weird-looking white guy with a gritbeard on the Red Sox.
In an alternate reality, Pedroia’s intensity would blend perfectly in a tapestry created by Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and Jorge Posada. It was no surprise that Pedroia and Jeter got along so well as teammates during the World Baseball Classic; they run on the same type of engine.
Yay I love talking about intangibles, nothing makes me want to tear my hair out more. AAARGH. (Though I do think it's adorable that Jeets and Pedroia get along so well, and Pedroia is one of the Red Sox that, for whatever reason, I actually don't mind.)
It’s true Pedroia swings like he’s auditioning for the Home Run Derby, but his contact ratio is astounding: 93 percent over the course of his career.
Uhhhh what does this have to do with anything?
5. John Lackey
While we’re on the topic of sleeping with the enemy, don’t let the Yankees fool you — they were sorely tempted to take a run at John Lackey before he ended up in Boston.
The Yankees wanted the best available free agents, news at 11.
The right-hander has the make-up and the postseason experience to have been a perfect fit in Pinstripes. The Yankees ultimately devoted their resources toward Granderson and Javier Vazquez; for public consumption they say they were concerned about the long-term durability of Lackey’s arm.
Again: yay, intangible talk. Woooo. I'm not going to lie, I really would have liked Lackey on the Yankees, but we do already have a pitcher who is in his 30s and has been injury-prone throughout his career in AJ Burnett. I understand the front office not wanting two of those guys.
But in a big game or big series, we’d put our money on Lackey before Vazquez.
Oh hey. Clutch talk. That's almost as awesome as talking about intangibles. And this very good write-up says hello.
The Mets were crazy not to pursue Lackey in earnest
They're the Omar Minaya Mets, were you expecting them to do anything that made sense at all?
and although the Yankees’ rotation is strong enough to live without Lackey,
LIVE? I'm glad you feel that way.
lining him up behind Josh Beckett and Jon Lester gives the Sox the best front-line rotation in the American League.
It's a very good rotation to be sure, but o hai.
4. Carl Crawford
Another lay-up for the architects of the 2011 Yankee roster. Making room for Crawford is one reason the Yankees were so obviously lukewarm in their pursuit of Johnny Damon; they’re ready to give left field to the younger, more athletic Crawford, who, like Lee, will be a free agent after this season.
Between Crawford and Curtis Granderson, the Yankees’ outfield would be remarkably fleet and would make fans forget about the era of the unsteady Damon and the lumbering Hideki Matsui.
It’s all part of the Yankees’ wish to field a more athletic team in this decade. Crawford certainly fits that profile, having already stolen 50 or more bases five times while hitting .300 four of the last five seasons.
Black guys = athletic. This isn't terrible other than raving about batting average (but how many RBIs did he have, Bob?!), and I wouldn't mind Carl on the Yankees, but I hope they don't overpay him.
3. Cliff Lee
The Phillies had their chance to sign Lee to a long-term contract this winter, but trading him to the Mariners officially started the clock on his free agency. And guess who’s counting the days until Lee files: the Yankees, who covet the left-hander for a million reasons.
NAME THEM ALL. I DEMAND IT.
They love Lee’s 4-0 record and 1.56 ERA in last year’s postseason, including his two wins over the Yankees in the World Series.
I am not trying to degrade what Cliff Lee did during the 2009 postseason, because it was all kinds of awesome. But Andy Pettitte went 4-0 too, and one of Cliff Lee's wins against the Yankees in the World Series was during the game where he gave up five runs in seven innings when the bottom third of the Yankee lineup was Brett Gardner, Jose Molina, and the pitcher.
Lee has proved he’s October-tough, is American League-tested
What is he, a Toyota?
and will be awarding himself to the highest bidder in a few months.
Errr, maybe he's a prostitute? And, well, how do you know that? I can't speak personally to Cliff Lee because I've never met him, but he seems like a pretty down-to-earth guy. Maybe he wants to be near his family; he seemed pretty upset when Philly shipped him out to Seattle. Maybe he's not just seeking the highest bidder, but a team that will give him a pretty payday, though not necessarily the highest, while letting him go where he wants to go.
The heavy breathing you hear is coming directly from GM Brian Cashman’s office.
GROSS
2. Carlos Beltran
Oh what up, is it 2005 again?
The Mets center fielder has never been entirely comfortable in Flushing, and the relationship with ownership has further deteriorated in a recent public relations war over the surgery on his right knee.
It's the Mets. None of this is surprising. Though, honestly, how do you know he's uncomfortable in Flushing? He's put up some damn fine numbers there, even if dumb Mets fans hate him irrationally for striking out looking on an incredibly nasty pitch to end the 2006 NLCS. And honestly, this is a team that accused a beat writer of getting a batshit crazy guy in charge of the minors (or whatever he was) fired in order to get that job, so really, a PR war over knee surgery, not so bad.
Beltran says the Mets green-lighted the operation, which will keep him on the DL until June; the front office says Beltran went rogue and did it on his own. The slugger is probably thinking life would’ve been simpler if the Yankees had pursued him as a free agent in 2006.
Baseball hindsight is awesome. I am going to go back in time and make Mariano Rivera not accidentally throw a cutter to second base in the bottom of the ninth inning of Game 7 of the 2001 World Series (that hurt to write :( ). Also, I'll force Theo Epstein to pay David Ortiz like a billion dollars because he was going to turn from a scrub into A WORLD SERIES HERO ZOMG.
Beltran would’ve taken less than $119 million he ultimately got from the Mets, and the Yankees would’ve had the perfect successor to Bernie Williams.
Please don't remind me. :( (I really wanted Beltran.)
Instead, George Steinbrenner preferred Randy Johnson, which everyone now realizes was the wrong horse to pick.
Again, baseball hindsight is awesome. And honestly... the mid-2000s Yankees needed pitching a whole lot more than they needed hitting, and Randy Johnson was really good in 2005. In the 2000s, off the top of my head, it's probably one of the five best starting pitching seasons by a Yankee. That's kind of sad, but whatever. He was still really good.
1. Johnny Damon
Johnny Damon?
Johnny Damon.
Johnny Damon. Really? Johnny Damon?? On a list that has Joe Mauer and Albert Pujols, among many others, you think the best guy the Yankees could possibly acquire out of this group is 36-year-old Johnny Damon? I really like JD and all but COME ON.
This is a sentimental pick,
OMG I wouldn't have ever guessed
because the Yankees and Damon have obviously moved in opposite directions. Both sides should’ve thought more carefully about that break-up.
*sniff* Also, the Yankees offered him more money than any other team did. What the hell else were they supposed to do?
Damon and agent Scott Boras badly misread the market for a 36-year-old left fielder with declining defensive skills. That the Yankees didn’t offer Damon arbitration should’ve been a wake-up call that last year’s $13 million contract wasn't going to be duplicated. Hunting for similar money guaranteed the end of his Yankee career.
Awesome. So you're gonna stop here, right?
But the Bombers needed to be more aware of what Damon did for the clubhouse; how he helped change the climate around Alex Rodriguez.
Oh nooooooo. Look, for the record, I think Johnny was probably a great clubhouse guy. I also think that you could have a team full of great clubhouse guys and if they're not as good at baseball as some other guys that aren't as great at being clubhouse guys, that's not very good. Also, according to The Yankee Years, during the 2007 season, a bunch of Yankees came to Torre in tears about how having Damon on the team was hurting them, because they thought he a. wasn't in shape and b. wasn't trying. To be honest, I don't know how truthful The Yankee Years was about the clubhouse, because it clearly went out of its way to attack certain players - oh, I'm sorry, I meant tell unbelievably unflattering stories about these guys, then claim the stories "humanize" them - and lionize others, but it's in there.
And, as he proved in the postseason, Damon could be counted on under duress.
I know, it was totally awesome when he single-handedly led them to winning the World Series in 2006, 2007, and 2008. Damon was pretty awesome in the ALCS and World Series, but he had a gross .237 OPS in the LDS in 2009. And his grand slam in the 2004 ALCS hides the fact that he had a .559 OPS against the Yankees in that series - equivalent to Willy Taveras' in 2009 - and it was .265 (OPS, not BA) prior to his two-HR Game 7. Teixeira had a better OPS than .559 in the 2009 World Series, and he had three hits in 27 plate appearances.
He was pretty much the only guy to show up for the series against Cleveland in 2007, though.
That might not have been worth $13 million a year or even $10 million, but the fact that a compromise wasn’t reached was a failure that Damon and the Yankees will ultimately regret.
You can see the future? That's freaking awesome. What are the lottery numbers I should play?
Also, Yankee team WAR:
Derek Jeter 7.4
CC Sabathia 6.0
Mark Teixeira 5.1*
Alex Rodriguez 4.4* (in a limited number of games)
Robinson Cano 4.4*
Jorge Posada 4.0
Nick Swisher 3.5
Andy Pettitte 3.3
AJ Burnett 3.1
Mariano Rivera 2.0 **
Johnny Damon 3.0
That crappy Brett Gardner? 2.1. Curtis Granderson last year? 3.4 (in the years before, it was 3.7, an awesome 7.3, and 3.9).
Johnny Damon was a good guy and he did well in his time with the Yankees. I wish him well when he plays anyone but the Yankees. But the idea that the one guy the team NEEDS is him is just silly.
* and this considering WAR overrates defense and UZR did not like these guys this year, when I wouldn't say any of them is a bad defender
** This is an impressive number as a relief pitcher.
Bob Klapisch, you suck.
