Whip It

This looks like Juno never got pregnant and had a baby but instead turned into a girl obsessed with roller skating. Oh, and I think it has Kristin Wiig in it, so I won't be seeing it.

Wow, Saturday Night Live, you are so bad...

I feel like I already mentioned this, but yeahhh...

I read the script for Jennifer's Body. Like, a while ago. It's very easy to find. Anyway, I've heard all kinds of "OMG so many pop culture references! Damn U Diablo Cody!!!!" snark, and... that's not really true, to be honest. The script is only okay, though. Like, it just seems like it's a generic horror movie, and say what you will about Juno, but that movie was not generic. Oh, and the violent scenes seem very violent. I'm squeamish, so...

I don't think this movie would be getting the hype it's gotten if it wasn't called Jennifer's Body and the body in question wasn't Megan Fox's. She's gross, though, so... yeah.

Juno.

You're like the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know.
I try really hard, actually...

The "Top Twenty-Five Conservative Films of the Past Twenty-Five Years"

Here. Offers further proof that conservatives are seriously insane in the membrane. Here's the list, and my thoughts on it...

25. Gran Torino
I haven't seen it, but I'm guessing that because the plot appears to be Heroic White Man Saves Brown People From Themselves, yes, probably Republican ideology.

24. Team America: World Police
Ummmmmm. Yes, the liberals of Hollywood get made fun of, but so do ridiculous neocons. So does everyone. That's kind of the point. Did you miss that it's called Team America: World Police? Did you miss "America, Fuck Yeah", for God's sake?!

23. United 93
Reasoning? "Because the terrorists were portrayed as bad guys." We liberals just love terrorists, obviously, especially the ones that attacked America on 9/11. Fuck you in the ear, you guys, seriously. And by "you guys" I mean "the people who wrote this list" and "those terrorists," by the way.

22. Brazil
Um... WUT. IIRC their reasoning for this is totally ridiculous and basically criticizes the Bush/Cheney years. What in the holy hell.

21. Heartbreak Ridge
Never heard of it.

20. Gattaca
I've seen it, but I don't remember this one.

19. We Were Soldiers
Never saw it. It probably shows war as ~perfect~ or something, though.

18. The Edge
Never heard of it.

17. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
No arguments from me, actually. It's pretty blatant Christian allegory which I suppose is conservative.

16. Master and Commander
Because... they have war and stuff? I guess.

15. Red Dawn
Haven't seen it.

14. A Simple Plan
I saw it a long time ago, and I can't imagine how this is conservative. Wonkette needs to post all these write-ups right now so I can keep laughing at them.

13. Braveheart
It's Mel Gibson, so yes, it's probably conservative. The last time I saw it was junior year of high school and I absolutely despised it, so I have no desire to return to this one.

12. The Dark Knight
um... NO. Yes, Batman relies on increased surveillance (part of the reason why they claim The Lives of Others and Brazil are apparently conservative is because they're AGAINST increased surveillance though!) and terrible torture methods, but did they miss the part where these techniques failed miserably and he destroyed the super-surveillance thing at the end? Duh-duh-duh-duh-dumb.

11. The Lord of the Rings trilogy
Again, um... NO. I'm pretty sure Peter Jackson and Viggo Mortensen had interviews where they described how the Eye of Sauron represented Bush and whatnot. I'd go into more detail, but really my mind is spotty when I come to LotR trivia. I might be a geek, but I'm not that big a geek.

10. Ghostbusters
What the fuck? Apparently it's because the bad guy works for a regulatory agency or something, but still. What the fuck?

9. Blast from the Past
Never heard of it.

8. Juno
LOLZ. Because she keeps the baby and there's a pro-life protestor outside the clinic (who comes off as stupid). Yes, she keeps the baby, and she chooses to keep it after having pre-marital sex and then, at the end, she gives it to an unwed mother, which we all know, according to Ann Coulter, are the source of all horrible things on Earth or something. No. Stop trying to make Juno into Bristol, conservatives.

7. The Pursuit of Happyness
Because the guy pulls himself up by the bootstraps, I guess. Awww, see, that's what the Republicans think... if one negro can do it, they all can!

6. Groundhog Day
...what? This makes even less sense than Ghostbusters. Also, I guess Harold Ramis is a conservative filmmaker? Um... right.

5. 300
LOfuckingL. I knew this ludicrously homoerotic film would be on here. Seriously, why the hell was it even made other than to be like, "GAAAAYYYY!!!" I guess they portray war as something GREAT!!!!! so it's conservative, but this proves, once and for all, that conservatives have virtually zero sense of humor.

4. Forrest Gump
Um... I guess. I know a lot of film snobs are all like "OMG REPUBLICAN VALUES, THIS FILM SUCKS SO MUCH BLARG BLARG," but maybe not (even if it was true, that wouldn't be a reason to dismiss the film). I think these people project a lot. You could say a very liberal lifestyle is what destroys Jenny, but a very conservative lifestyle destroys Lt. Dan. Ugh, I can't remember the rest, but there were other things to prove that it's more liberal than it is conservative.

3. Metropolitan
Never saw it.

2. The Incredibles
...huh? I've heard some people think there's Randian stuff in here, or something, or they think the villain is a Socialist/Communist because he wants everyone to have superpowers (right?), but... I just... no...

1. The Lives of Others
I think I saw the write-up for this one and it's basically a joke. They decry everything that happened in the Bush presidency. I give up on these people. But you let me keep my Lives of Others, Republicans. It's a really good movie and it's all subtle and OMG SUBTITLED!!! FURRENERS!!!! so you wouldn't want it anyway.

What really irritates me is that the conservatives are always like WAAAH LIBRUL MEEEEEDIA!!! and then they claim the biggest films of the past few years, such as Lord of the Rings and The Dark Knight, are conservative. You can't have it both ways, morans (that's a pro-war demonstrator, of course). Oh, and this list is only from the past twenty-five years because they didn't want to have to explain to their base why Birth of a Nation isn't on there. Big eye-roll.

I love this song.

Perfectly used in Juno and The Savages alike.

Heehee!

Remember when I said JK Simmons was amazing? He still is.

The Office is everywhere!

Sure, they look cute here, but they're actually planning to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

So tonight I went with my dad to see The Other Boleyn Girl and Juno in theaters (I hadn't actually seen either of them in theaters before, shhh). And it occurred to me. The Office is everywhere!

So, in The Other Boleyn Girl, at the beginning, Natalie Portman's got the hots for some duke or something that is engaged. She says she's got the hots for him to her brother; her brother said "but he's engaged." Natalie says back something along the lines of "it is a long journey from bended knee to altar!" Clearly, this is that century's way of saying "BFD, engaged ain't married!"

Then, there is Juno. Beyond the obvious Rainn Wilson connection, where is Bleeker planning to go before prom? Benihana. BENIHANA!

I rest my case.

One last little treat before tonight!

About 5 people nationwide probably got this, SNL...but I was one of 'em :)

Analyzing: Best Picture.

Before I start, let me just say that Oscar's Best Picture lineup this year is the best in an extremely long time. Every year that I can think of has a film that I would have gone "NOOOOOO!!!!" if it won Best Picture. This year? Not at all. I've rated all these films A- or better. So, sorry to say, this is probably just going to be a lot of gushing (sometimes literally, in the case of There Will Be Blood. HA. So funny, I am.). The claws ain't comin' out on this one.

5. Juno.

People are such bullshit. Everyone always complains about how comedy movies and comedic roles don't get nominated for Oscars, and then when they do - Little Miss Sunshine, Juno, Marisa Tomei, Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets - they get hopelessly bashed as "lightweight" or (as Sunshine and Juno have faced) "pretentious." You can't have it both ways, so just shut up. Anyway, Juno has been dismissed by many as pretentious and hopelessly hipster. And whenever I hear people bash it as the latter (ALWAYS citing the "homeskillet," "etch-a-sketch," or "honest to blog" line), I have to wonder - did these people see the movie beyond the first twenty minutes? Cuz I wanted to shoot myself the first twenty minutes, too. But then, lo and behold, the pretense fell away, and we came to realize - Juno talks like this as a shield. As the movie goes on, it only gets better and better. Is it overwritten? Probably. But that doesn't stop real character arcs from happening. The ending is beyond perfect. Diablo Cody could have fucked it up in any number of ways, but it just strikes a perfect chord. Lovely. This is the weakest of the five nominees, if only because of the near-unbearable first twenty minutes (and those are - I am so sorry, Dwight - kind of Rainn Wilson's fault), but it picks up so much after that that the first twenty minutes are absolutely forgiveable. A win for it would still be lovely.
My grade: A-
Why it might win: The happiest, by far, of the Best Picture nominees. The biggest money-maker, by far, of the Best Picture nominees. The fact that it got the Best Director nomination proves it has a lot more support than we thought. Roger Ebert!
Why it might not: It has its very loud detractors. It skews very young and the Academy...does not. It lost the Globe to a movie that wasn't even nominated for Best Picture. It's got the least nominations of all the Best Picture-nominated films. Not No Country for Old Men.

4. Michael Clayton.

Michael Clayton also gets bashed a lot. I don't get its bashing either, other than the fact that everyone who seems to do it is like, 16, which I can understand. It is a tad underdirected, but that's understandable as it's Tony Gilroy's first film, which is actually amazing when you consider its quality. Michael Clayton is a total throwback to the films of the 1970s, where films were bold and actually critiqued society and those that were powerful within it. This film does that with both huge corporations and the law profession. I love Law and Order, but Michael Clayton is like an incredibly deep episode of that show that actually says something about society. It's not nearly as prophetic or darkly funny as Network but it functions in much the same way, even with Wilkinson's character being a ton like Peter Finch. Also, the three lead performances are just great.
My grade: A-
Why it might win: Vote-splitting? George Clooney. Everyone loves a legal drama! Some viewers may love the throwback to the '70s.
Why it might not: It's the least showy/flashy of these nominees by far, and it doesn't have the passionate supporters the other four have. It's probably the most likely to be forgotten or ignored. It isn't the frontrunner in any of its nominated categories. Not No Country for Old Men.

3. Atonement.

Atonement is a movie people are either scary batshit crazy over (some guy on IMDb was saying something along the lines of that there is no excuse for people not having it in their top 5, but in a much scarier way than that that I basically blocked out of my head for my own sanity) or spend all their time, like, insulting. I see where the insulters and detractors come from, and before I saw it I thought I might be one of them, what with the sniffly Keira Knightley and the overrated James MacAvoy starring in this film - but then I saw it, and it was in fact, really really good and, at least for me, incredibly touching, so yeah. I gotta hand it to Atonement. The ending is either going to hit you like a sack of bricks and make you realize how damn sad the past two hours were, or is going to make you go "wait, I sat through that for this?" There's no getting around it, and I see both sides (though I clearly side with the former). Why does it feel like I'm just backhandedly insulting Atonement the entire time I've been writing this? It's a truly great movie. Also, Atonement deserves bonus points for just getting the damn thing on screen. It's an incredible book but I never once thought "This would make a great movie." But, it did. Kudos, Joe Wright & Co.
My grade: A-
Why it might win: Prestige picture. The frontrunner forever or at least until the guilds attacked. Literary prestige. Even amazingly horrific scenes somehow look like gorgeous postcards and the Academy loves that shit. It won the Globe against No Country.
Why it might not: Tell me the last film that won without Editing and Director nominations. Totally ignored by the guilds. Couldn't get its flashiest stars to a nomination. Lately, the Globe Drama winners don't win Best Picture (since 2002, only one of them has, and that's because what else was going to win in 2003 besides Lord of the Rings?). Not No Country for Old Men.

2. No Country for Old Men

No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood just reduce my brain to mush. I just... al068u4okjafls. Okay, to talk about No Country, I'll have to use another great great movie, The Departed. The Departed is amazing (and quite frankly, I like it more than No Country, but it's probably not the better movie). Do you all remember that scene where Matt Damon's character first gets the phone number to Leonardo DiCaprio's character's phone and calls him and they just sit there...in silence...? No Country for Old Men is like that the entire movie. Add to that gorgeous cinematography, incredible acting, and a feeling that this entire little story has repercussions for the whole world, somehow, and it's just...gahhhh.
My grade: A
Why it might win: Frontrunner! Hooray, it's got Editing & Director nods (and many other nominations). Coen brothers. Best-reviewed film of the year. Won most precursors. Actually made a pretty darn good amount of money for an Oscar film.
Why it might not: Atonement beat it at the Globes. Too violent or dark?

1. There Will Be Blood.

aflsjfljlg. Really, I just...I...I wanted to write a review of There Will Be Blood, but I had to hold it off. There Will Be Blood is one of those films you see and just "...". And then, you have to forget it, so you can do normal things like eat and sleep. It's just...brain. fried. I'm not gonna lie: even when the trailer first came out, I wasn't so sure how good this was gonna be. I'm afraid I was still terribly wary from Punch-Drunk Love. But this...this...gahhhhhh. How is it that PT Anderson and company manage to borrow and work on so many movies of the past, and yet advance cinema so far at once? I know, my write-ups for No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood just come off as stupid and overly general. That's because they're the best kind of movies - the kind that do not leave your head once they get there, the ones you can't describe as "oh, that was good" and that's that. Just...I...I'm finished. ;)
My grade: A
Why it might win: If it makes me feel this way, I imagine it makes others feel this way too. Editing & Director nods and many other nominations. Daniel Day-Lewis. It's period material, but the issues are contemporary. I would say that its supporters are the most passionate. Won the few precursors No Country didn't (besides the Globe).
Why it might not: If the Oscar voters think No Country is bleak, I'd love to hear what they thought about this one. It's got its detractors that say it's too over-the-top. Not No Country for Old Men.

Will win: No Country for Old Men.
Might win: There Will Be Blood has very passionate supporters and is being thrown about as a possible spoiler, but I dunno. I don't really see it happening (though I'd be thrilled if it did).
Dark horse: Juno's light touch, place in pop culture, and $$$ might lead it to victory.
Snubbed: If we're talking about the three other films that were also thrown around for Best Picture, those would be Into the Wild, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and Sweeney Todd. I haven't seen Diving Bell (it's finally playing at the teeny indie theater near me, so I really really hope either tonight or some time next week I have time to see it), and I prefer all of these to Into the Wild and Sweeney Todd by far.

Blaaaargh. Final predictions coming later. And I guess my personal awards will have to wait until either tomorrow before the show (if I have time, which I probably won't) or Monday...

I think people miss the point...

...about Juno and Knocked Up. Yeah, the main character doesn't go through with an abortion. THAT'S NOT WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT. IF THEY HAD ABORTIONS, THE MOVIES WOULD HAVE NO POINT IN EXISTING. There are other, less...well...retarded criticisms to make about these movies, but that really isn't a legitimate one, in my mind.

PS. Knocked Up gets much better on a second viewing. Or at least, it did for me. It's still self-indulgent and just once I'd love to see a film where some chubby, schlubby girl gets a super hot guy, but it's FAR better than The 40-Year-Old Virgin. The writing is actually funny...

Congrats to the WGA winners.

Juno...


No Country for Old Men...


and, OF COURSE, "The Job"!!!!

because I can't think of anything better.

Independent Spirit Awards guesses. Why did I do them in such a strange order? I don't know.

Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett - I'm Not There
Jennifer Jason Leigh - Margot at the Wedding
Anna Kendrick - Rocket Science
Tamara Podenski - Four Sheets to the Wind
Marisa Tomei - Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
Will win: Blanchett
Spoiler: Tomei
Could win: Jason Leigh
Should win: Blanchett
I haven't seen: Kendrick, Podenski

Best Supporting Actor
Chiwetel Ejiofor - Talk to Me
Marcus Carl Franklin - I'm Not There
Kene Holliday - Great World of Sound
Irfan Kahn - The Namesake
Steve Zahn - Rescue Dawn
Will win: Ejiofor
Spoiler: Franklin
Could win: Zahn
Should win: Zahn
I haven't seen: Ejiofor, Holliday

Best First Screenplay
A Mighty Heart
Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
Broken English
Juno
Rocket Science
Will win: Juno
Spoiler: Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
Could win: A Mighty Heart
I haven't seen: Broken English, Rocket Science

Best Screenplay
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
The Savages
Starting Out in the Evening
Waitress
Year of the Dog
Will win: The Savages
Spoiler: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Could win: Waitress
I haven't seen: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly =/

Best Actor
Pedro Castaneda - August Evening
Don Cheadle - Talk to Me
Frank Langella - Starting Out in the Evening
Tony Leung - Lust, Caution
Philip Seymour Hoffman - The Savages
Will win: Langella
Spoiler: Hoffman
Could win: Cheadle
Should win: Hoffman, though I think if I saw Cheadle I might like him more
I haven't seen: Castaneda, Cheadle

Best Actress
Angelina Jolie - A Mighty Heart
Sienna Miller - Interview
Ellen Page - Juno
Parker Posey - Broken English
Tang Wei - Lust, Caution
Will win: Page
Spoiler: Jolie
Could win: Wei
Should win: Wei narrowly over Miller
I haven't seen: Posey

Best First Feature
2 Days in Paris
Great World of Sound
The Lookout
Rocket Science
Vanaja
Will win: Rocket Science
Spoiler: 2 Days in Paris
Could win: The Lookout
Should win: ???
I haven't seen: any of these except The Lookout which wasn't worthy of much save a mention of Jeff Daniels.

Best Director
Todd Haynes - I'm Not There
Tamara Jenkins - The Savages
Jason Reitman - Juno
Julian Schnabel - The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Gus Von Sant - Paranoid Park
Will win: Schnabel
Spoiler: Haynes
Could win: Reitman
I haven't seen: Schnabel or Von Sant

Best Picture
A Mighty Heart
I'm Not There
Juno
Paranoid Park
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Will win: Juno
Spoiler: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Could win: I'm Not There
I haven't seen: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Paranoid Park

Juno...

... ain't "hipster crap." The first twenty or so minutes are kind of "oh no, not this again...," I know (Rainn Wilson, I love your most famous show and I love you on it, but not here). But after that, it turns into a really touching story about a girl who just happens to listen to the Moldy Peaches and be a complete smart-aleck, and those around her. It's a lovely movie, not about "look how cool Juno is," but about relationships - Juno and Paulie, Juno and Leah, Juno and her parents, Juno and Mark, Juno and Vanessa, Mark and Vanessa, her parents and Mark and Vanessa... When I first read the script without having seen the movie, I admit, I thought it was laughably bad. But - maybe it's a testament to the strength of the actors - it works so well on screen. The ending is unbelievably perfect. A lesser movie might end with Mark and Juno together, or Juno and Paulie keeping the baby, but this film strikes a perfect chord with its last scenes. It's such a cliche but: during Juno, I laughed and I cried. "Hipsters" never had such heart as Juno does, and I wish there was room for it on my top 10 (2007 is awesome). A-