oscar night's goddess
Yeah yeah, I know, it's two days later :( but my comments, and there are many. Yay Oscars!!! Thanks to several livebloggers who refreshed my memory on stuff.
- Ellen...was kinda terrible, I thought. She was adorable and charming and the things with Martin Scorsese and Clint Eastwood and Stephen Spielberg were genius, but as the night went on she kind of became useless and 90% of her jokes kinda went splat. Like, her opening monologue? Bad. That thing where she came out with the Oscar in the baby carrier? Bad. Sorry, Ellen. You know I love you otherwise.
- and of course the most important category first...best dressed. We'll be leaving the gentlemen out as the ones who always look good looked good (Clive, George, Leo, Mark, Djimon, I'm sure I'm forgetting some other lovely men - like Hugh who I barely saw, and did they really call him the Volver-ine when he was presenting with Penelope Cruz? Worst. Pun. Ever.) and the only real disaster was Philip Seymour Hoffman, who I'll get to later...and seriously, it's a tux. Pictures? Uh...maybe eventually.
Best Dressed: #1 of the night is easily the lady pictured above, Helen Mirren. A gorgeous and flawless dress for the ruler of the night. It was simultaneously age-appropriate, yet interesting and sexy (which La Mirren most definitely is!). Loved it.
The Easy Second: Reese Witherspoon, who has been wearing nothing but fucking stunning dress after fucking stunning dress since her divorce. This was only helped by the fact that Ryan Phillippe didn't tuck his shirt in at whatever afterparty he was attending (still really hot, though)
Also Good:
Emily Blunt - I can admit it, that dress was fantastic and sparkly and I covet it, now leave me alone. Her dress was still too tight and made her look like she had a tummy bulge, though it wasn't as noticeable as at the Globes.
Cate Blanchett - grr, two people I (strongly) dislike in a row. Still, anything with glitter makes me screech. Cate takes fashion risks and they usually do not pay off in any way, shape, or form, but this one did. Good for her I guess.
Jennifer Hudson - everyone hated it, but I thought it was fierce. Metallics were kinda big this year and it looked great. She did look better in the dress she changed into, though.
Rinko Kikuchi - amazing, probably the third or fourth best of the night, and she's been looking totally bizarre all season long; I thought she was basically Bjork and that this was going to be something along the lines of the swan dress. Good for her.
Kate Winslet - it's far from the best thing she's ever worn, but she still looked fantastic. It was a risky color but she pulled it off.
Gwyneth Paltrow - many hated it. It was avant-garde couture and...I absolutely loved it.
Diane Keaton - AMAZING!!! She hasn't looked this good in years! Ever!
Rachel Weisz - kind of, good but not as good as at the Globes.
Jessica Biel - It was daring and different, and I loved the color. She's got a great stylist.
Jodie Foster - no real comments, it just looked good. I like how people are like "she looked really uncomfortable wearing a dress!" Oy, people, stop stretching. She might be a lesbian, but does that mean she'd rather be wearing a suit? (Guess I did have some real comments)
Cameron Diaz - though far from, say, Helen's or Reese's, I actually did like it (the bottom was weird), and her face looked great (at the Globes, that entire getup was just so weird).
Ellen Pompeo - at the Vanity Fair afterparty. Bitch is still too skinny, but I did adore her dress and for once she didn't look like death warmed over. Amazing.
Maggie Gyllenhaal - I wasn't crazy about the bottom but who thought black and navy could go this well? Go Maggie!
So my top 10 I guess:
1. Helen Mirren
2. Reese Witherspoon
3. Diane Keaton
4. Rinko Kikuchi
5. Gwyneth Paltrow
6. Emily Blunt
7. Cate Blanchett
8. Jessica Biel
9. Kate Winslet
10. Jodie Foster
Ew:
Nicole Kidman - this is not so much the dress, which I actually liked, especially when seen from the side. It's what's happened to her. Nicole, Nicole, Nicole. Please lay off the Botox. You're not pretty any more! It's sad to watch Moulin Rouge! and then see you here. Like, you were posing with Abigail Breslin, and I wanted to say "NO ABBY! SHE'S GOING TO TAKE YOUR SOUL!!!" Please, Nicole. For all our mere mortals' sakes, you goddess.
Anne Hathaway - she fucked up an outfit? Bitch may be talentless but she knows how to dress. But what did we learn from this (and to a lesser extent, Nicole this year and Charlize last year, though I liked both their gowns)? Bows fuck shit up.
Naomi Watts - this annoys me for several reasons. a) It had water wings. b) It looked, except for those water wing things, exactly like Cate Blanchett's dress from when she won her Oscar two years ago. This further annoyed me, because not only was it a copycat dress, it reminded me of that extremely undeserved win. c) That said, back in 2004 (well, 2005, but whatever), Cate looked fantastic in her dress. This one was droopy and made Naomi's chest look completely pancaked. d) She clashed with Nicole, who she was with, but who, as you can see, was having enough problems of her own.
Meryl Streep - Meryl, Meryl, Meryl. The necklace? It would have been fine without the necklace. You're still fierce though.
Abigail Breslin - I realize this makes me a horrible person. But she's a little girl, not a cake. Still, she looked adorable.
Penelope Cruz - great on top, but it looked like she was being devoured by tan seaweed on the bottom. People apparently loved this one?!?!
Eva Green - it made her look bizarrely bulky, and she still looks like she's going to suck out my soul. Guys, how do you think she's hot?! I just don't get it! And as opposed to looking crazy, her hair looked like a giant helmet. Um...it's an improvement, I guess.
Jennifer Lopez - she looked puffy and bulky and like Naomi, it pancaked her chest.
Kirsten Dunst - WTF was going on there?
Sally Kirkland - saved toward the end because it was too easy.
Kelly Preston - her too.
- anyway. Preshow! All I can really remember is some guy asked Cate Blanchett about how she likes to belt her clothes and Cate was, rightfully, like "..." Also, I'm pretty sure Isla Fisher was high. Chris Connelly was fucking annoying, as he was the entire show.
- I absolutely loved the opening montage. "You were nominated for Lawrence of Arabia. Why didn't you win?" "Because some other guy did." I loved how it was consistently hilarious and gave all the nominees, famous or not, a chance to shine. God bless Errol Morris, genius.
- Something disturbing has happened. I now think Daniel Craig is attractive with his shirt on and without a paper bag over his head with little cutouts for his eyes. Aaah! See what Casino Royale hath wrought?!?!
- The interpretive acrobats were weird, but there was nothing as bad as last year's godawful "In the Deep" performance. I did love the Snakes on a Plane thing, though, but isn't that just so early 2006?
- The comedians' song was absolutely hilarious!! It came too early in the night, though. Wish it had gone later. Still, I loved it, and it was among the best moments of the night. Will Ferrell's got some pipes, too; I keep forgetting from The Producers. Poor Peter O'Toole, though, he looked kinda dead, and "What is this Nickelodeon these silly fools speak of? Are they talking about me?" Also, I can't feel bad about Forest's win (more on that later), but Peter just looked so crushed when he lost.
- I like how Jaden Smith messed up reading and then just kinda shrugged it off. Kid's got his dad's charisma. That said, when him and Abigail Breslin kept presenting the "shorts" I was groaning. Oh, but go West Bank Story. Can't say I've seen it, or any of them, but that looks awesome.
- The sound effects choir was great, and let's face it, people like that rarely get such attention. It's cool to see how it's done.
- Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear? Funny, kind of. And robbed, very.
- Okay...the shortened clips for the nominees annoyed me a lot. Did they really need to read all those lines from the screenplays? Grr. On the other hand, this did allow the Academy to find clips for Alan Arkin and Mark Wahlberg where they weren't like "%)*%)*%)*%$%%$%%$!!!", because any clips for them over about ten seconds would have had to have been, as they like to say, "edited for broadcast." That said, Alan Arkin, grrr. You shouldn't have won that shit. Eddie Murphy was right to make the face he did (we're human. We have emotions. Storming out though was unprofessional). But...I'm over it. That said: Alan, didn't you found some big comedy improv group? So you probably should have been able to come up with a better speech than that.
- Throughout the entire show up to this point, I'd kept thinking, "Who's that fat old bald guy they keep cutting to for no apparent reason?" And now, in the middle of some popcorn (and mixed company), I actually spit it out and screeched "OH MY GOD JACK NICHOLSON SHAVED HIS HEAD!!!" It's for a role, I found out, but seriously. It was a little shocking and bizarre.
- That song from Cars I don't remember, but wow it was awful. "I Need to Wake Up" is an okay song but I hated the Powerpoint What You Can Do To Save The Environment thing behind Melissa.
- Aw, see, guys, Leo is a Serious Actor Who Cares About The Environment And Can Talk With The Former Vice President. I guess. Good job Leo, as long as you keep being pretty and the epitome of class.
- Writers' montage. The montages this year were way better than last year but why did it end in the theme to Mission: Impossible? What does that have to do with writing?
- William Monahan wrote an amazing, incredibly intelligent, and, you know, energetic screenplay for The Departed. So, then, WTF was up with his speech?? Worst of the night.
- The fake banter Devil Wears Prada thing between Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt wasn't funny at all because, you know: talentless hos. It's a good thing Meryl saved them with that poker face. She totally sold it. The woman is a national treasure. Anyway, I absolutely LOVED the way they presented costumes!!! Can they do that every year, and also, have a corgi too?? Also I liked that Emily and Anne looked all depressed when they announced the award and it wasn't The Devil Wears Prada. Not that it didn't deserve it, but depressed Anne and Emily equals happy (my name here). It was super awkward when Ms. Marie Antoinette costume designer took like five minutes to get on stage and then the Marie-Antoinettes had to keep clapping politely in character.
- The lady Tom Cruise presented the Oscar too was taller than him, which is kinda funny, but he looked good and he kept the crazy in check. Plus, that random Magnolia clip reminded me of just how freaking robbed he was at the '99 Oscars. Go Tom.
- Here I will quote a blog I read on the winner of Best Cinematography:
"I like them having the cinematographers describe what they did for a selected scene; it gives people a better idea of what cinemaWHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN CHILDREN OF MEN DIDN'T WIN? FUCK ALL Y'ALL I CUT ALL THE BITCHES. Okay. Okay. I'm here. I'm back. I'm calm."
Yeah, how the fuck did Children of Men not win that shit?!?!? It was the frontrunner, it won the guild, and yeah it's not Academy-friendly but neither was anything else in that category. It's not like Pan's Labyrinth had bad cinematography or anything, but Children of Men worked on such a higher level than any other cinematographic job this year (and most of the new millennium, save Girl with a Pearl Earring) that it's not even funny. Grrr. I can't say "worst win of the night," but I can say "worst loss of the night."
- ROBERT DOWNEY JR.!!! And he made one of the best remarks of the night with that mid-90s/drug reference joke. Can someone please cast him in more things, and by more things I mean things that are good, and not A Scanner Darkly? The man deserved an Oscar for that "I Want Love" video. It stays with you. Seriously. Hm...I need to start some kind of awards for Best Actor in a Music Video. Christoper Walken in "Weapon of Choice," Robert Downey Jr. in "I Want Love," and more, but definitely not the hilariously over-the-top Scarlett Johansson in "What Goes Around Comes Around." Oh, ScarJo.
- Gotta love how they got Catherine Deneuve and Ken Watanabe to present the Best Foreign Films montage. The Academy is nothing if not literal-minded. Also, how Eva Green and Gael Garcia Bernal (the most overrated people in the entire world in terms of looks, unite!!!) presented an award together. You know they were just kinda like "yeah foreign people, whatever"
- LFJLSJL%JEO$J%OUJ CLIVE OWEN?!?!?!?!??!!?
- Okay. I'm back. Anyway, he looked EXTREMELY hot and it only made Cate Blanchett more because she got to wear a fabulous sparkling art deco dress and stand next to him. Cate, you bitch!!! ... I'm okay. After robbing poor Children of Men of its Cinematography Oscar, Pan's Labyrinth couldn't even manage to get the Best Foreign Film Oscar? I like how Cate looked all "wha?" when she opened the envelope. Yeah, I know everyone was predicting an upset, but it was just too weird. Oh well. Shows what I know.
- OHHHHH GEORGE CLOONEY. And I am so happy for JHud. She's my girl... and her naysayers are just unnecessarily negative and attack her personally (like my mom, who says she is "wortless, useless, and talentless"... I'll debate you on the acting thing but if you think she's talentless singing-wise... and when have you not found a post insulting her that didn't call her fat? Yup). I liked her speech too. Though I have to say, if the Oscar voting period was two weeks longer like it was last year (I think?), I think someone could have upset. Maybe.
- The Babel Best Picture nominee clip reminded me so much of what a freaking genius Rodrigo Prieto is in the service of mediocre films which he actually elevates, such as Babel, Frida, 8 Mile and, yes, Brokeback Mountain. He also did the cinematography for 25th Hour which looked great but that film didn't really need his help.
- Jerry Seinfeld was so funny. Can he host the Oscars next year? Please? Him and George Clooney. Brilliant!
- Um Celine Dion. Why was she there? Was that necessary? This isn't the mid-90s, she's not important any more! Did she have to make poor Ennio Morricone suffer through that (what a genius he is BTW)? The Ennio Morricone thing was SO SUPER AWKWARD because of the, like, four-minute gap between what he said and what Eastwood translated (was he reading off a Teleprompter? Or does he know Italian? He would, the overachiever).
- Ugh Gustavo Santolalla. Worst win of the night. I can't begrudge you your win last year (but I got tired of that damn score), but the Babel score wasn't effing original (if they didn't allow Moulin Rouge! and The Aviator to be nominated, this shouldn't have been nominated either) and was the worst of the nominees anyway.
- "...and an excellent reason for high-definition television, Jennifer Lopez!"
- I thought the Dreamgirls song montage was fantastic by itself, but between JHud almost falling out of her dress and her and the Beyonce diva-off it was just a whole new level of hilariousness. That said, Best Original Song this year was so weak (it was a weak year for it in general; the Academy's nominations are usually lame but they usually miss all the good songs). I guess I would have voted for "Love You I Do," but I wouldn't have exactly been thrilled about it. It's no "Theme from Shaft" or "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head."
- John Travolta looked awful and it makes me sad that he completely wasted his Pulp Fiction career resurgence. Roles like that only come along once in a lifetime, John!! Hairspray looks terrible too. That said, when is Queen Latifah not fierce?
- The "America" montage was okay, but...what did like half of it have to do with America? Bladerunner? Tom Cruise in Magnolia (so robbed.)?
- At this point I counted that there was only major awards left and then Kate Winslet came out to give Best Editing and I was like "%)*%#)*%)*% THERE ARE ALL THESE STUPID AWARDS I FORGOT ABOUT????" Thankfully, it was the last "minor" award of the night. And, thankfully, it went to The Departed who deserved it 100%. Go Thelma! And Marty's man-tears! (Here was where I knew, for certain, that The Departed would take Best Picture)
- Oh my God Philip Seymour Hoffman. I get that you are A Celebrated Indie Actor And Thus Not Really Into This Whole Hollywood Scene, but YOU COULDN'T BRUSH YOUR HAIR?!?!?!? Helen Mirren's speech was wonderful, she was wonderful in general, and I loved how she was all awkward and dropped her earring and brought her bag up on stage with her, cuz you know, when I win my Oscar (HA), I'll totally do shit like that. I just wish she somehow smuggled a corgi on to the stage. Also, at one point during the speech they cut to The Queen's screenwriter and Clive Owen was sitting next to/near him and I shrieked.
- Okay, when Reese Witherspoon presented Best Actor, I really thought at the last minute it might go to Peter O'Toole because the whole night, he'd been such a big focus of so many speeches/jokes, but yeah, Forest won, and I thought his speech was one of if not the best of the night. I was actually terrified for him, cuz you know, bitch is shy, but I'm so glad he had something written and it was just fantastic. Will Smith was cryin' man-tears! Also, seeing Forest in real life reminds me of just how amazing his performance in The Last King of Scotland was. I mean, 100%, that was not Forest Whitaker.
- When Spielberg, Coppola, and Lucas came out I was like "oh damn...if there's an upset in Best Director, will the winner even live to take the stage?"
- "Why is Frances Ford Coppola wearing a crooked bright blue bow tie? Oh well. He's Frances Ford Coppola. He can probably do whatever he wants at this point." -one of my friends I was watching this with
- I LOVE MARTIN SCORSESE!!! I was so scared he was going to lose (a lot of people were predicting Clint Eastwood last minute???), but he didn't!! It is wonderful that he finally has a (totally deserved) Oscar, and if Forest's speech wasn't the best of the night his was. He was adorable and it was wonderful to see someone so damn excited to get an Oscar and all ferklempt (Spielberg said "mazel tov!" Yay Jews!). I LOVE YOU MARTY!!!
- I also loved Marty and Jack's big manly hug backstage. It was a good day to be old, bald/ing, wearing glasses, and Italian (see also: Ennio Morricone).
- Jack Nicholson presented Best Picture again? And he had a major role in one of them? Oy. And he didn't even get to go "And the Oscar goes to... Crash. Whoah!" like last year. I think Diane Keaton was on drugs or something but she looked so spectacular. Anyway, The Departed is the best Best Picture winner of the new millennium, and props to the Academy for actually recognizing quality in something they normally would not (an incredibly violent remake of an Asian action movie!!!).
- also, I loved how Marty stood in the wings looking incredibly proud, but also unbelievably shocked and dumbfounded. You can't blame the (amazing) man.
- and the top 10 moments of the night:
10. that crazy Dreamgirls song montage/diva-off
9. general Departed love. It 100% deserved its 4 wins.
8. the sound effects choir
7. CLIVE OWEN YOU ARE HOT
6. Robert Downey Jr.'s joke about special effects/his mid-90s drug use
5. Forest's speech
4. the way they presented Costume Design, too bad Emily and Anne were there to give it out
3. opening montage
2. Will Ferrell, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly's "A Comedian at the Oscars" song
1. MARTY!!!!!!!!!!
I don't really have much to say about the whole Let's-all-suck-up-to-Al-Gore thing. Yay saving the environment, though, but An Inconvenient Truth wasn't that good of a movie. Overall it was a pretty darn good ceremony and that's that. Bring on the 2007 film year!!
