so the gilded moose which is always hilarious had this thing where it was like "oscar nominees, if they were people in your high school." so, of course, i have to do "oscar nominees, if they were people in college," AKA what happens when they get drunk. dumb? not that funny? yes, but also i need to procrastinate desperately. and yes, i know all these "drunks." ignore my strange pronoun usage, since it's probably all wrong ("that person" and "themselves" don't match up dammit).
Best Picture
Babel is that person who gets drunk and then injures himself a lot by falling down and such.
The Departed is that person who gets drunk and belligerent.
Letters from Iwo Jima is that person who gets drunk and then starts speaking in foreign languages.
Little Miss Sunshine is that person who gets drunk and then is everyone's best friend, even though he is really weird.
The Queen is that person who gets drunk after one beer.
Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond is that person who gets drunk and then smokes a whole lot of cigarettes, which he never does while sober.
Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson is that person who gets drunk all the fucking time yet still has his life together.
Peter O'Toole in Venus is that person who gets drunk and then hits on everyone.
Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness is that person who gets drunk and then comes up with some crazy scheme to save the world.
Forrest Whittaker in The Last King of Scotland is that person who gets drunk and goes fucking insane.
Best Actress
Penelope Cruz in Volver is that person who gets drunk and then thinks that she's really good at kareoke.
Judi Dench in Notes on a Scandal is that person who gets drunk, then starts hooking up with everyone of the same sex.
Helen Mirren in The Queen is that person who gets drunk, clams up and gets moody, and then gets mad when everyone starts asking if she is okay.
Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada is that person who gets drunk, and then, even though she is just as drunk as everyone else, claims she's really not all that drunk and tries to boss everyone else around/cut people off/generally ruin fun.
Kate Winslet in Little Children is that person who gets drunk, and then starts taking off all their clothes.
Best Supporting Actor (this is a fun group...)
Alan Arkin in Little Miss Sunshine is that person who gets drunk, then gets grumpy and starts bitching about everything.
Jackie Earle Haley in Little Children is that person who gets drunk, then starts telling you way too much information about their sex life.
Djimon Hounsou in Blood Diamond is that person who gets drunk, and then screams a lot but doesn't think that he is actually doing it.
Eddie Murphy in Dreamgirls is that person who gets drunk, then gets out his harder drugs and freaks everyone else at the party out.
Mark Wahlberg in The Departed is that person who gets drunk and then gets angry and screams at everyone a lot.
Best Supporting Actress
Adriana Barraza in Babel is that person who gets drunk, then throws up a lot.
Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal is that person who gets drunk, hooks up with someone she really doesn't want to, and has to face the rest of their college career dealing with the mockery/denying it.
Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine is that person who gets drunk, and then thinks they're the best dancer in the entire world.
Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls is that person who gets drunk, and then suddenly knows every word to every song that comes on and feels the need to sing along.
Rinko Kikuchi in Babel is that person who gets drunk and then gets really slutty.
oh, self...
