Let's talk, Jessica Alba.

How are you today? That's good to hear. I'm well too. I think you are very pretty and somehow, despite all the shit we have been through together (the Fantastic Four films and Honey, as well as Sin City but you were actually not horrible in that except for that line reading about "stop the car" or whatever which always REALLY BOTHERED ME. I'm sure we would have had many other lovely um experiences, but I just couldn't bring myself to sit through the likes of Good Luck Chuck.), I find you charming. I also think your baby is going to be really attractive. So now that I've complimented you a whole lot, can we talk about...this?:

This is supposed to be you playing a scene from Rosemary's Baby, but all I can say is JESUS H. CHRIST THAT IS AN AWFUL PHOTO! I mean, really. Somehow you manage to be completely hammy and showy, and completely dead and emotionless. I don't get it. There are other horror movies you chose to do scenes from, such as the shower scene in Psycho. You are aware Marion Cotillard juuuust recreated that scene less than a month ago, and she rocked the shit out of it? You, on the other hand, are just...bad. Bad! Bad and wrong!

Sorry about that. I still think you're pretty! If nothing else you can at least rock the pixie haircut.